Partner Come Home
by jennylyne
Summary: Will she be enough to bring him home where he belongs?
1. Chapter 1

Partner, Come Home Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

It had been six weeks. Six weeks since she last saw her partner. Six weeks since they ignored the unspoken, yet understood need to keep touching to a minimal. However innocent, compromising personal space was clearly dangerous. There was a line, however fine it was, that she tried like hell to respect. Sometimes, that line didn't matter. Sometimes, they needed to ignore or even remove the line. Sometimes, no one else would do.

He had called her, finally. He said he would and he finally did. He asked her to come to him. He had left New York for what was supposed to be time away, time to regroup and make some decisions. He had left his family, his children. He couldn't stand straight in front of his children without feeling the punishing blows his conscious delivered. He needed to be alone and they said they understood. How could they? She did. She understood him all too well. She was the only one who did sometimes. Yet he shut her out, blocked her from his mind. He had to. It, she, life was too much. He left it with promises to return when he was ready. He called her and she was coming.

She relaxed back in the seat. Slight turbulence had disturbed her, or relieved her from her own tortuous thoughts. She missed him terribly. She worried constantly. She prayed continuously he would contact her, and finally he did. He asked her to come to Florida where he had retreated. He had wanted to get as far away from New York and all that was his life. She didn't hesitate in booking her flight. Getting time off wasn't a problem, especially after all they had been through. In fact, she had refused the time when it was originally offered. Scared to be idle, scared to be still within her head. Needed to work, needed to focus on something, anything other than the pain that came from losing. Losing her partner, her best friend, the only person who truly understood who she was. Now she would take the time. He had finally called for her and she wouldn't refuse him.

His hands gripped the steering wheel of the car he was renting. He found it ironic that he asked for the same make, model as their squad car. He felt comfortable in this particular car and that was more important than even he realized. He was heading to the airport to meet her when she arrived. He found himself excited to see her, yet scared to be with her. She represented so much that he was no longer. That he had given up. She made him want to come home. She made him need to stay away. How did she make him feel anything? How does she make him do anything? Damn Huang. He didn't miss him.

She hated that the look on his face was permanently etched into her mind. The look of shock, horror, disbelief and sorrow. The confidence that she relied on in him, gone in an instant. She wished she could help him, fix him, save him. She hated the helpless feeling that haunted her daily, since he wanted to leave. They shared a bond that many thought of was stronger than that of a husband and wife. A bond that came with a fine line that neither of them crossed. A bond constructed out of trust, loyalty, and yes, love. She loved him, definitely more than she was supposed to. She respected him, so she loved him alone. If he loved her the same, he would come to her. She respected his family, his marriage, him. She was scared to see what had become of him in the weeks since he left. She longed to see him, to put her mind to rest that he was indeed okay in his search.

He entered the airport and made his way to the gate. He checked the times and saw that the incoming from LaGuardia was on-time. Seeing New York on the screen made him homesick, made him angry, sad, and frustrated all at once. He had plenty of time before she would arrive, so he went in search of the airport bar. He wanted, no needed something to settle his nerves. She was the only person he used to feel totally at ease with. The only person that he felt he could be or feel whatever he wanted with, yet he was nervous. He ordered Whiskey as it had been his drink of choice over the last few weeks. He liked how it made him feel. He sat in the bar with his friend Jim Beam and waited. He knew better, but he let his mind carry him back to that day. That day in the squad room and that night in her apartment. He waited, he drank, and he remembered.

She glanced at her watch realizing she would see him soon. The past six weeks had been pure hell and he had abandoned her. It was his fight, but it was their hell. It was always shared between them, except for this time. They went at it alone, and she thought she should be angry with him for that. For abandoning her when she needed him. For leaving her when she knew he needed her. She finished off her own drink, finding it did nothing to tame the brewing fire that she identified as nerves. She so often stayed away from liquor, not trusting her genes. The ones she knew as well as the ones she didn't. There were times, though, that she didn't care. That were times that she envied her mother for being able to escape, even if just for a bit. She closed her eyes and punished herself by letting that day present itself in all it's horror to the forefront of her mind.

He had turned to her, his eyes finding hers immediately. She wasn't close by, but swore she could hear his breathing in the deathly quiet squad room. She was wrong as he wasn't breathing. His actions had taken the breath from him as he looked to her to save him. Nobody moved for fear of making the horrific scene a reality. Until she did. She slowly raised her hands from Sister Peg's chest where her attempts to stop the bleeding proved futile. She glanced down to the innocent and over to the guilty. A young traumatized girl who was a victim herself, yet guilty of murder. Her eyes made their way back to his as he never removed his stare from her, his partner, his life line. Movement caught her attention as officers began to access and process. She wanted to go to him, but found it impossible to move. Sister Peg had been standing only inches from her when the young shooter had fired at anybody and everybody. It wasn't her own survival she was questioning, but the survival of her partner. How would he survive this? How could he survive this.

He heard the gunfire and realized immediately the danger that presented itself. He watched the bullet enter Sister Peg and realized she was a child, nowhere near a sure shot. As officers and the intended fell, he grabbed his gun and scrambled for cover. He was hoping like hell that Olivia had found a way to protect herself as well. The young shooter had trusted Olivia however no one was safe from her grief. He called her name and felt at least a twinge of relief as her eyes found his. The shooting stopped as he desperately tried to talk her down. Her hand was shaking as she seemed to realize what her actions had caused. She turned to her initial target as he taunted her and aimed to kill. He had no choice as he fired to stop, fearing she would litter the precinct with bullets again. He hit her, he stopped her. He was immediately on his feet and had her in his arms as she managed a few words and a few last breaths. He killed her. A young grief-stricken girl about the same age as one of his own daughters. He held her head in his hands until she was gone and then slowly lowered it to the hard floor. He had shot a child because he had to. It wasn't okay. It would never be okay. He looked for her and found her. Her face frozen in horror as she watched the young teen die in her partner's arms. For all the conversation they were able to have through their eyes alone, there were no words.

She slowly made her way to him, wiping her bloodied hands on her pants as she crawled across the floor. Her heart was the only sound she was hearing as the squad room was suddenly filled with noise and movement. She reached him only to find him staring at her, but not seeing her. He was in shock, not unlike everyone else present, but the burden of his actions caused him to disappear. She called his name, desperately wanting him to acknowledge her, to just see her. That would be enough for right now. He did and she pulled his hands from the child in front of them. She held them until he stood pulling her to her full height along with him. He looked from her eyes to the victim; his victim. She moved them back away as the first EMT arrived. He told them what the already knew and moved on with his team to start accessing the wounded, pronouncing the dead.

She sat on his desk in front of him as he sat in his chair. She tried to block his view with her body, but he watched as the young girl was removed from the squad room. He could feel her legs against his and knew she was shaken. He wanted to calm her, but couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes. What was she thinking of him right now. He shot and killed a kid. Her voice was of little comfort to him as she tried in vain to justify his actions. Yeah, she was out of control. Yeah, she could've and would've killed others had he not taken the shot. Yeah, she shot innocence in Sister Peg. And yeah, she may have fired at his partner as well, despite what she was to the young girl. She had lost her mind, and she wasn't skilled enough to not take out his partner, himself, or who knows how many others.

He watched as she was led away from him for questioning. IAB was on scene in no time and he quickly found himself isolated from her as they drilled him. He answered every question, no matter how many different ways they asked it, in a voice he didn't recognize. He shot a child. He killed a child. There was no mystery to solve. His chest was heavy and his head throbbed. He wanted to leave, but didn't want to go. He wanted to scream, but didn't want to make a sound. He wanted to see her, but was afraid of the shame he might find in her eyes. He asked about her, and was told she was being questioned as well. He knew that, he just wanted to know she was still there.

The voice of the pilot pulled her from her thoughts as she wiped the tears she didn't know had fallen down her cheeks. Her chest ached as she worked to pull herself together. She didn't want him to see that she wasn't handling things. She needed him to know she was there for him and that she was strong enough to help him. Strong enough to bring him home.

He had finished off yet another straight shot as the announcement was made that she would be in front of him soon. He stood, instantly feeling the effects of his poison and cursed himself for compromising their reunion. He needed to know that she was okay and he knew she wouldn't tell him if she wasn't. He would have to read her and he knew he would struggle with that now. Damn. He pushed himself toward the gate of the New York arrival. He watched as the plane slowly taxied to it's destination and felt his heart pick up it's pace. He hadn't seen his wife in the six weeks since he left. He had only spoken to her a handful of times, each conversation ending in him refusing to come home. He couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt as he braced himself for his partner. She hadn't asked him to come home. He didn't give her the chance as he didn't want to risk talking to her. He missed her and he knew he would cave if she had asked him to return to New York.

She sat silently as she watched the other passengers gather their belongings. She would wait. Wait until she was the last one. She needed the time as she was unsure now as to why she came. She didn't hesitate when he asked, but now was wavering. Now that it was too late. She pushed herself to her feet and slung her carry-on over her shoulder. She carried her jacket, knowing she definitely wouldn't need it now. She masked her nerves with a smile toward the flight attendant as she made her way off the plane.

He stood next to the window away from the gathering at the gate. He watched as each person made their connection and smiles and hugs and kisses were shared. He couldn't stop the memory of the kiss he shared with her, before he walked away from her. He was in the wrong and he knew it but found himself defenseless to stop it. He saw the love in her eyes as she tried to help him when he arrived at her apartment that night. He had left the precinct and found a hidden, vacant bar and tried to drink away the day. He knew it wasn't the answer, but he didn't care. He didn't want to feel and aside from eating his gun, this was the only answer he could come up with. He was quite proud of himself as he managed to walk the fifteen blocks to her apartment building. It was well after midnight and he told his wife he would be home soon when she called six hours earlier. He had a rough day, she would just have to try to understand. He navigated his way up the stairs to her apartment, not remembering it ever being that difficult and knocked loudly on her door.

She answered the door quickly pulling him inside as to not disturb the neighbors. She had given up calling just an hour ago, stopped looking two hours ago. He was drunk off his ass as he let her jerk him around. She guided him to sit on her couch, but he found it amusing to accuse her of jerking him around. She sat down next to him without as much as a hello and waited. He studied her for a few minutes before he got angry with her. Who did she think she was? Judging him like so. She didn't just kill a kid. If she had, maybe she wouldn't be staring at him with such shame, guilt, pity. He yelled at her and she jumped, but she didn't move. She stood her ground. He always liked that about her. She stood up to him when he was an ass. She let him yell. She let him explain. She let him apologize.

Then he cried and she let him cry. He felt her hands on his face just before he felt her arms around his neck. She smelled so good, but he was only comforted; not aroused. He could smell the shampoo from her recent shower and the wine on her breath. He pulled her arms from him and held her at a distance. He studied her face and asked if she was okay and of course she said she was. He looked over and noticed the bottle of wine nearly empty and was instantly sorry for making her worry. He apologized and she accepted…again.

She settled in next to him on the couch and let him sit with his thoughts. The comfortable silence was all she could offer him in the way of healing. She could only imagine where his mind was for she knew her mind was all over the place. She listened to him when he talked, sat with him when he didn't. She touched him to settle him down when he vented and gave him space when he raged. She was his partner and she had his back. Whatever that meant she had to do. Right now it meant she just had to be and let him do what he had to do.

He watched her carefully as she watched him. Her expressions changed with his and he knew she was hurting too. He had killed that little girl that she had gotten close to. She was always good with children and this one was no exception. He wondered if she was even remotely angry with him. He didn't want to kill her. Hell, he didn't want to shoot her. He found himself watching her mouth as she spoke softly to him. She teased him just about every day, tempting him without trying. She didn't mean to; no she wouldn't disrespect his marriage that way. She wouldn't risk what they had. He was too important to her and he knew it. He never told her, in as many words, just what an honor it was that she thought of him the way she did. She never told him what he could read in her eyes, especially when it mattered. It mattered that she loved him and he hated that he couldn't share those feeling with her. Oh, he loved her, definitely way more than he should as well. He was married and he was catholic and he was forbidden to touch her, to want her, to kiss her. He was drunk and that was the excuse he would use to ease the guilt that would surely compound his current state.

His lips were on hers before he could talk himself out of it. She was surprised, he could sense it and he could feel her pull away from him. He wouldn't let her. He couldn't let her. He felt bad as he prevented her from pulling away from him, clearly she was trying to do the right thing. He was wrong, but right now he didn't care. She could eventually get away from him. She could hit him. Hell, she could even shoot him. Or, she could give in and open her mouth to him. She needed to taste him as much as he needed to feel her.

He crossed the line. He was wrong and he forced her to cross over with him. She didn't fight him too much, she normally didn't. She always had his back and he knew she would this time too. Just took a little convincing, and she was at his side. Loyalty. Partners. Bond. Yeah, he had to find a way to justify what he had just done. He had shot a child. He had ignored his wife. He had gotten drunk. He had kissed his partner. He continued to kiss his partner until she found the strength to stop him. He watched the guilt pass over her features and it transferred right to him. He was sorry. He was angry and he told her so. Made it her fault. Yelled at her and physically pulled her back for more.

She stood her ground. She stayed strong and refused him, with tears in her eyes. He cringed as her words slapped him. She had wanted this for so long, but it was all wrong. He was married. He was hurting. He was drunk. He released her from his grip and waited until the tears fell freely from her eyes before he found a way to transfer his pain to her. She panicked when he announced that he intended to leave. Not just the force, but the state. She pleaded with him to wait until he could think things through with a clear head. She begged him to talk to her. She watched him leave her apartment and hoped he would wake up in the morning sick as hell, but here.

It had been six weeks and she hadn't heard from him. Until he called and asked her to come. She hadn't been eating, she hadn't been sleeping. She was barely functioning. How could he do this to her? Who did he think he was? He didn't own her. He damn straight didn't control her. She sighed as she made her way into the airport knowing he did control her as she looked for him.

His breath caught as she appeared in his view. She hadn't spotted him yet and he knew that only gave him a few seconds to really look at her. How could he be so selfish? She didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated her, yet she always took it. He expected her to tell him to go to hell when he called, but she came. All the way to Florida, because he asked. Her eyes met his and his heart stopped.

She saw him and her breath caught as well. His hair had grown out and his beard was full. His eyes seemed lighter against the color now on his face. She slowly approached him as he carefully made his way to her. They stopped inches from each other and embraced the silence that followed. He slowly moved to pull her bag from her shoulder. He let it drop to the ground at their feet before he closed the distance between them. He tentatively pulled her into an embrace that seemed to instantly ease the pressure that was undeniably building.

He pulled back to look her directly in the eyes. "Why did you come?"

Her voice was a welcomed vice for him. "You asked me to."


	2. Chapter 2

Partner Come Home Chapter 2

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

He slowly bent to pick her bag up, slinging it over his shoulder. He was relieved, yet disappointed it wasn't heavier. They never mentioned how long she would stay; he knew she had a job to get back to. He had taken a leave of absence to decide if he even wanted a job to go back to. Surprisingly the time away hadn't clarified anything for him, just made him miserable. He missed his family, he missed his partner. Now that she was standing in front of him, he realized just how much he had missed his partner.

She took a few seconds and really looked at him, noticing small, subtle changes in his demeanor. He was dressed comfortable, as if truly on vacation. The coloring from the hot, Florida sun was evident on his face and his eyes refused to smile. She offered to take her bag from him, they were equals and that may be the only thing that hadn't changed for them. He ignored her request turning to walk instead. He waited until she joined him before walking at his usual pace. She matched him stride for stride, it was only natural. Maybe one more thing that hadn't changed.

He walked with a purpose as they made their way through the crowded airport. He noticed the awareness in her eyes as she scanned their surroundings as they walked. Forever the cop. He wasn't sure if he paid as much attention anymore, probably habit if he did. She had lost weight as she so often did when a case hit too close to home. This one hit way too close; it landed right on them. He pushed aside the feelings of guilt that screamed at him as he noticed her eyes. He noticed she couldn't keep eye contact with him for too long, but he was able to see the emptiness that was displayed when she did glance his way.

They had passed through the doors that led into the stifling Florida heat. He first, holding the door for her to follow. Felt natural for her to follow him, he hardly ever let her enter anywhere first. Oh, they were equals, and she was capable; it's just the way it was. She slowed her pace, causing him to do the same. He looked back at her with a questioning glare that she ignored. People shuffled past them with apologies and excuses as she tuned them all out. She watched as he squinted against the sunlight, quite possibly forgetting about the sunglasses that were strategically placed on top of his head. She had come to a complete stop, wishing she had a pair of sunglasses with her. The brightness burned her eyes as she shielded them with her hand. He moved closer to her in an attempt to cast a shadow. He wanted to get somewhere, anywhere where they could talk, or not.

He noticed she seemed smaller, shorter maybe. The thought confused him, but he didn't dwell. He waited until she was ready to continue on, never offering a reason for her hesitation. He didn't need one, he just needed to get away from the airport. Away from the plane that would take her back home and away from him. He wanted to be alone, but the loneliness was killing him. He knew she would understand that. It seemed as if she did, as she once again matched his stride, his pace.

They arrived at his rental and he looked up to see her amused expression at his choice. He smiled for the first time in weeks as he looked over the top of the car at her. The familiar scene and feelings spread warmth throughout his body as he climbed in behind the wheel. He unlocked her door and watched as she took the seat next to him, naturally. His eyes stayed fixed on her as he watched her fasten her seatbelt and slowly turn to face him. It was quiet. Maybe too quiet. He shifted uncomfortably as he listened to her breathing, fully aware of the nerves she tried to contain. He noticed she didn't look away when his eyes found hers. Her breathing was unsteady, but her gaze was anything but. She wasn't backing down and he was glad for that. He felt as though she was giving him the play by play of her last six weeks through her eyes, probably didn't mean to. He sighed as he looked away before starting the car.

She only briefly wondered where they were headed, instead more concentrated on why they hadn't spoken…much. She was here for him, to help him. She wouldn't push, but he was making her nervous. She needed to know where his head was. If he was okay. If he wanted to come home. If he wanted to come back to work, to her. He asked her to come, so she would let him lead the conversation. She watched the scenery fly by as they made their way down the interstate. Florida never really appealed to her, no exact reason why. She was feeling the frustration mount as the silence continued. She missed hearing his voice and took a deep breath.

"Do you plan on talking to me?" she glanced his way noticing his expression hadn't changed when her words filled the otherwise silent car. She did notice the flexing in his jaw though and knew he had heard her. She returned her eyes to the road ahead of them as she waited for the answer he seemed to be struggling with. As they continued to ride in silence she began to question her decision to come. He was still a mess and she still felt helpless.

"Yes." he didn't look at her, just kept his eyes on the road. He figured he was aggravating her, but she would have to deal with it. He was confused as to what he was feeling. He was driving highway miles with who he decided would be his former partner. She had come to Florida from New York simply because he asked her to. He was thrilled to see her, to be with her, but still so angry. He wasn't angry with her, why should he be? He was just angry and her being with him reminded him so clearly as to why. She made him remember. She made him feel. How does she make him do or feel anything? He thought maybe he hated Huang right about now. He asked her to come to him, she did, and now he was pissed.

"When do you think that might be?" he could hear the frustration creep into her words despite her best efforts to speak with an even tone. He glanced her way, thankful for the road ahead of them that demanded his attention. She didn't turn away, instead reached out and touched his arm. He felt immediate heat from the contact and cursed silently for accepting it. He realized his thoughts had jumped to the whiskey he wanted, not the conversation they needed. She pulled her hand away and shifted in her seat. She sighed realizing this had to be on his count, in his time. She had almost forgotten she had asked him a question when his voice filled her head instead of the images that tormented her.

"When I figure out what to say to you." he had no clue what to say to her, just that he needed her with him. He needed things to be like the used to be before…before he killed a child. He knew he was the one who had left. He was the one who had shut her out. He was the one who crossed the line. Yet, he called and she came. He pulled off the highway and they continued on in silence until they reached his hotel. It was nice as she found herself wondering if he was spending his families' life savings on his journey. His journey to get back home. He parked the car and moved around to open her door. She was surprised to see him standing in front of her when she made her way to a full upright position outside the car.

"Are you hungry?" he asked matter of fact as he placed his hand on her back, gently guiding her towards the little bar that sat directly across from the hotel. She wondered if this is where he spent most of his time, but didn't ask. He acknowledged the bartender once they were inside and her question was answered. She too acknowledged the bartender as he flashed a friendly smile their way. He led the way around to the back of the bar and climbed up onto one of the stools where their drinks awaited them. She didn't like that he seemed so comfortable and at home here, but for now it was okay with her. She settled into the stool next to her partner and reached for the drink that was in front of her. She looked to him as he had finished more than half of his drink by the time she picked up hers. She held the glass to her nose realizing the poison he picked just so happened to be every cop's best friend or worst enemy. She wasn't sure what the whiskey would be for her, but she figured she'd know in time.

He could feel the burn and then the warmth. He liked that they could sit in silence, but he desperately wanted to hear her voice. He was grateful for her patience, even though it was unfair to shut her down like so. Life was unfair and he figured she knew that better than most. He watched her as she barely reacted to the first taste of her drink. He didn't want to get drunk, he definitely didn't want to lose control. He just wanted to be able to talk to his partner again. He just wanted to be able to look at her the way he used to. Like they had a job to do and were the best two for it. Like she was his world until she wasn't. When it was quitting time and he returned home to his wife. He wanted to be able to treat her like the decorated detective she was. Instead he found himself wanting her. Wanting her to be with him, near him. He just wanted her to be around him. He needed her to steady him and she was so very good at just that. He had crossed the line six weeks ago and he had no idea if she forgave him or not. He was afraid to ask for fear she hadn't. He watched over the rim of his glass as she perused the menu. He wondered if she was going to order something to eat. He hoped so, knowing the whiskey would be rough on her otherwise. She replaced the menu on the bar and motioned for the bartender. He cringed as she ordered another round without the food. She rubbed her face with her hands after polishing off her first drink.

"Shouldn't you eat something?" his voice surprised him as his thoughts involuntarily had sound. She gave him an irritated look but was distracted when their drinks arrived. She drank it down straight as if it were a glass of water. She had answered his question by not answering at all. He fumbled with his drink and stared at the glass in front of him. The silence was suffocating to her as she struggled with her decision to let him lead. His fight, their hell. She failed miserably as she ordered another round before turning her body to face him.

"El, what do you want from me?"


	3. Chapter 3

Partner Come Home Chapter 3

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

He smirked at her before lowering his head. She obviously had had enough of his vagueness. He used to laugh inside when she would do that in the interrogation room. He always knew when it was time to move in for the kill. When his partner was out of patience. He looked back in her direction to see she had returned to her previous position. Her third drink nearly gone along with her tolerance for beating around the bush. He quickly polished off his drink when he saw her order up. He wondered if she cared that she was well past a legal limit, or if it even mattered at this point. He ordered their original drinks strong and it seemed like she stayed with that.

She only wanted something to settle her nerves, not handicap her thinking. He was testing, trying her patience it seemed. She couldn't help but wonder if it were intentional or if he truly was lost, confused. She wanted to grab hold of him and shake him. Yell at him to wake up, to get over it, move on. She knew it wasn't as easy as that, but how she wished it could be. She wouldn't care at this point if he just yelled at her, blamed her. She'd take it if that's what it would take to get him to open up and get it out. That is what she came to Florida for wasn't it? That is why he called for her, wasn't it? What did he want her to do? What did he want from her?

He felt his body fully relax against the back of his stool. The room was cool, the music loud. However not loud enough to drown out his thoughts. He vision was a bit off as the effects of his poison was beginning to take hold. He was hoping to drink enough to calm him inside so he could talk to her. He hated that he found it so hard to just talk to her. He had talked to her everyday for years and now he found it hard to even keep eye contact with her. He wondered why she wasn't more angry with him. He had left her, left her to deal with their hell by herself. He looked at her and waited the few seconds for her face to come into focus. He figured she was beyond the level he was as he watched her carefully turn in her stool to face him. He couldn't help but smile as he knew she would try like hell to mask her condition for as long as she could. Always had to be in control. Probably not a bad theory, given their chosen profession. He wasn't looking for a loss of control, just something to take the edge off. Mission accomplished, and then some.

"I don't know." he answered realizing he had waited so long she probably didn't know what he was saying. "I don't know exactly why I asked you to come here." She seemed satisfied with his evasive answer as she nodded at him, this time keeping her eyes on him. He had looked away, but could feel the burn of her stare as it made him return his eyes to hers. How does she make you do anything? He laughed out loud at the fact that Huang's voice continuously antagonized him. He saw the puzzled look cross her face before she pulled her drink to her lips. He watched her for a few seconds before mimicking her actions.

"So…" she leaned in closer to him so she wouldn't have to talk over the music. "I came to Florida to not talk to you and get drunk. I was doing the same thing in New York." She backed away and he immediately missed her presence. She was still sitting next to him, but it was if she had struck out and then recoiled. He thought of her as a rattlesnake as he watched her watch him. Her words stung when she delivered them directly into his ear. He had hurt her. He had pissed her off. He had left her. Now she seemed to be okay with letting him know that.

He watched her eyes struggle to focus as she scanned the bar. She admitted in a round about way that she was drunk. Not exactly what he was aiming for, but not surprised to find themselves in this position. She had only been in his presence for a few hours and here they were at his favorite bar; wasted. She didn't seem as agitated with him anymore. He was relieved, yet not entirely content. He reached for his wallet, pulling a couple bills out. He finished his drink and took hers from her hand. He finished hers off as well and threw the bills down on the bar. He nodded to the bartender and grabbed her by the arm.

"We're done here." he waited until he was sure of her balance and guided her out of the bar into the hot, humid, Florida night. She didn't protest his dominance, but was quick to shake from his hold once outside.

"Elliot, please talk to me." she hated that she felt she had to beg, but he was all over the place and her nerves were shot. He had started walking away from her, but return grasping her hand. She walked with him, this time allowing his hold, wondering what he was thinking. It would be so much easier if he would just talk, yell, scream. Something. They walked until she could smell the salt water and hear the waves. Of course, the beach. What else is there in Florida, besides whiskey. He led the way onto the thick sand and pulled her further into the darkness. She truly was struggling with her balance, her vision, her patience.

He realized he didn't have much time. She would surely leave him if he didn't talk to her. He simply didn't know what to say. He couldn't change anything. Couldn't fix anything. He couldn't handle anything; not anymore. He looked to the sky, locating the moon. As they made their way closer to the water, that very moon was their only light. He stopped walking and waited until she stopped as well. He looked her in the eyes and could almost see his own reflex ion in them. She waited patiently and he could see she wanted to help him. He knew she would do whatever he asked if she thought it would help him.

"I'm sorry." he spoke quickly before losing his courage. "I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry I fucked up and shot Jenna. I'm sorry…I'm sorry for everything." What he was most sorry for was forcing her to cross that line that made them who they were. He couldn't bring himself to apologize to her for that. He would often wonder over the last six weeks if he even really was sorry for that. Maybe for the way he did it, but he needed her that night. He needed her and she knew it. He knew she was struggling with it as much as he was. She was always so good about keeping her distance. She was his partner and he was married and she was careful not to compromise that. He made her kiss him. He forced her. He winced at his thought. How could he make her do anything. Easy, Huang. He made her kiss him until she gave in. He had control over her and she would deny it until the end if asked.

She raised her hand to his face, gently touching him. She pulled away instantly once making contact as if she remembered touching was not allowed. He quickly reached for her hand before she could drop it back to her side. He didn't care what wasn't allowed. He stared into her eyes and watched as panicked surfaced. He didn't want to scare her, to make her nervous. He didn't want her to move away from him either. He closed the distance, praying she wasn't still angry at him for making her give in last time. She was drunk, he was drunk, she was beautiful. He knew he was making excuses to justify the crime he was preparing to commit.

She looked into his eyes seeing the confusion, hurt and want that was on display for her. She felt isolated with him. Secure in a odd sort of way. Scared of him, scared for him. She wanted him, but she didn't come here for that. She didn't come to make things worse and how could kissing him now make things better for them. She was in control and she refused to let him take it from her. She would not let him destroy his marriage, their partnership, their friendship. She would not let him use her in a way that they would both regret. She was his partner. She would take a bullet for him and she knew he would as well. She loved him and only wanted to help him through his terrible ordeal. His fight, their hell. She only wanted to help him.

His lips were on hers and she didn't protest. She wanted to. She tried to. She didn't and now it was too late. She let him control her once again. How could he make her do anything? Easy.

She pulled back from him, instantly regretting both letting him kiss her again and stopping him again. She was angry. She was frustrated. She was sorry. What did she think would happen while she sat matching drink for drink with her severely wounded partner? He looked defeated and she wanted to go to him, embrace him, but didn't dare. He needed her to be the strong one for the both of them.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled almost under his breath. Only he wasn't, not really. He knew it was wrong to be so attracted to his partner while his wife sat at home worried. He knew it was wrong to assume she felt the same way even though she stood just a few feet away from him. She was with him, on a beach, at night, in Florida. She had shared the same hell as he, consumed the same poison as he and was now fighting the same devil as he.

"I shouldn't have come." she tried to transfer the blame to herself hoping to lessen his guilt at least some. Her voice shook as it competed with the sounds of nature and her growing frustration. She turned from him not quite knowing what to do, where to go. She wanted to run, from him, from all of this, but her feet felt firmly planted in the sand.

"Maybe not, but I'm glad you did." his voice was surprisingly strong as he moved toward her once again. She could feel her body tense as he approached and was once again in her personal space. He stood close, but managed to keep hands at his sides. "You're the only one understands me…really gets all this." he was referring to the shooting, the stress of their job, the need for stability in an unstable existence. Yeah, she gets all of it. His words implied she also got what was going on between them. He hated that he was making her fight against herself, her values, her morals. She was strong enough to make him leave her apartment all those weeks ago before they went too far, only to find themselves in a much worse situation.

He carefully moved to pull her to him. He encouraged her to give in and let him hold her. She feared the closeness, but longed for it as well. His arms wrapped around her as she was pressed against his chest. She closed her eyes, allowing them to just be in the moment. He rested his cheek against the top of her head, taking in her scent against the warm, salty air. She let her thoughts wander to how worried she was for him. When he had left without contacting her, leaving her to worry and wonder. She was now with him and now knew that he was okay, physically at least. Maybe this was the case that would finish him, finish them as partners. She couldn't possibly help him deal with all that comes with shooting a child, she had no clue as to what he needed. All she could do was let him hold her, at least for now. He gently pushed her from him, keeping his hands firmly on her arms. He looked down at her, waiting until she looked up and their eyes met.

"What do you want from me?" he turned the question on her and saw the sudden confusion cross her features. She simply stared at him, almost through him. He was sorry he asked as soon as the words left his mouth. He was sorry he was putting her on the spot like this. She seemed calm, as her focus returned to his face from wherever her mind just took her.

"I want you to come home." her voice delivered her demand in a surprisingly strong whisper. She kissed him hard on the mouth not allowing him time to do anything but take it. She was then gone, heading up the beach in the direction they had come from. He could only stand and stare. She kissed him with force, almost and angry touch. She didn't allow time for passion, no she was making a point. He got it, just like he got her.


	4. Chapter 4

Partner Come Home Chapter 4

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

She was pissed. She could feel her blood pressure rising as she walked. She had made it back to the bar and looked toward his car. Now what? She didn't want to go back into the bar, she knew she had already had way too much to drink. She didn't want to go back to him, he was making helping him seem so impossible. She leaned up against the hood of the car and lowered her head into her hands. She hated the dizziness that accompanied an incredible liquor buzz. She was conscious of the Florida night sounds as she could hear the muffled music coming from the bar. She tried to listen past that and was able to hear the waves crashing against the shore. She wanted to leave, leave him alone to finish self-destructing. Or leave him alone to figure his own way out of his personal hell. He was being impossibly unfair. He knew she struggled with the fact that he was married and to her, he was unavailable. She knew in her head that he was hurting and was looking to her for sympathy, comfort, compassion. He was looking to her to protect him, to save him. He was looking for a physical solution that she wasn't so sure she could provide him. He had made a mistake due to his emotional state six weeks ago. He knew it, she knew it. Now, she prays for the strength to refuse him, so that he had a chance to come back to his family. A chance to return as her partner. A chance to come home period. That's why she came, she reminds herself. To bring her partner home.

He stood alone on the beach for a few moments staring after her. She had disappeared into the darkness leaving him to his misery. He asked her to come and she did. Now he wasn't sure what to do. He wanted her, he refused to deny it any longer. He knew he was putting her in an impossible position, and it only added to his frustration. They had shared so many experiences over the years, seen way too much. She had seen him cry before, he had watched her refuse to. They fought side by side for what was their lives many times, all in a day's work. She had been there for his family, his kids. He had been there for her. She had his back, no matter what. He had hers. He wanted more. He wasn't thinking about his wife right now. It was about what he, what they, needed right now. Oh, he knew he was wrong. He hadn't been right in weeks, he just didn't care. Maybe it was his friend Jim talking to him, telling him it was okay to touch, kiss and want his partner. He had her by about eighty pounds, and he watched her match him drink for drink. He figured she was feeling Jim's effects way more than he was, yet she walked away from him. She wanted him too, he could tell in her kiss, yet she still walked. She was stronger than he, she was always stronger than he was.

She gave in and entered the bar. She acknowledged the bartender who gave her a questioning look as he looked for her partner to trail in behind her. She ordered a double for herself and made her way to a table in the back. It was dark and quiet in the noisy bar, perfect for her mood. She would leave in the morning, she decided. She wasn't the one to help him. She accepted that she couldn't. He was too damaged over this shooting, and her being here with him was only causing him to retreat further into his own mental hell. She stared down into the poison she picked and wished like hell she could fix this for him, for them.

"Don't you think you've had enough?" he slid into the chair on the opposite side of the small table. He watched her defiantly take a huge swig, swallowing easily. He reached for the drink, easily wrestling it from her. He took as big a drink as she did, nearly spitting it out all over the table. She laughed out loud as he struggled to swallow it. He liked to hear her laugh, although it was at his expense. She didn't smile too often, and rarely ever laughed. How the hell was she drinking such a strong drink without flinching at all. He thought about how lit up she must be to be able to do that, probably not what she had come all the way to Florida for. He sighed as he pushed the drink back towards her. He waited until she finished before suggesting they leave again.

Once outside in the stale, night air, she could feel the effects. He guided her back to his car and drove the couple feet to his hotel. She briefly wondered what the plan was now, surely he had arranged for her to have her own room. She was unsure how late it was, seemed like it had been dark for quite some time. She felt his hand on the small of her back as he seemed to hold her steady with such a light touch. They entered the dark room and he hit the light switch causing her to lose her balance trying to shield her eyes from the sudden brightness. He laughed this time as he watched her go down hard. She hurled a few chosen words his way as she made her way to her feet. She glanced around the room taking in where he had spent the last six weeks. It was a nice room, king size bed, sofa, recliner chair. A little kitchenette that gave it a nice homey feel. She made her way to the sofa, letting herself fall into the deep cushions. Her head was spinning and her vision blurred, but it was important to appear as together as possible. She looked down at her hands and watched as they moved without her permission. She looked for him with her eyes only, refusing to move her head. She had no idea where he had gone, but was grateful for time to regroup. Shit! She was drunk off her ass and was at least somewhat relieved that it was him milling around and not somebody she had just met.

He thought about how easy it would be to talk her into just about anything at his point. He hated himself for thinking that way, but he couldn't help it. She was especially beautiful to him tonight and she was making him want her. She never let herself into such a vulnerable position, always kept her guard up. She trusted him and here he was thinking the way he was thinking. He was such an asshole and he cursed himself for it as he took a seat next to her on the couch. She leaned back and rested her head on the back of the couch staring up at the ceiling. He watched her eyes attempt to focus on something, anything and grinned despite himself. His own buzz was fairly strong as he felt he could just sit here with her all night and that would be okay as well. His eyes traveled her body involuntarily as he promised himself he would keep his hands to himself. She didn't deserve to be taken advantage of like that, and he wasn't the kind of man that would cause her that sort of pain. He had hurt her enough by just leaving the way he did.

"El, stop staring at me." her voice was surprisingly steady but her eyes were now closed.

"Can't help it." he mimicked her position, resting his head on the back of the couch as well. He reached for and held her hand. He decided that the trust of his best friend, his partner, his life-line, was much more important than one incredible night with her would be. He was wounded, he was hurting, he was needing her, but he was not an animal. He sighed out loud causing her to turn his way. She stared at him and he wasn't sure if she was trying to read him or just trying to see him. He could feel the heat from her gaze, but refused to meet her eyes.

"I'm sorry, El." her voice delivered a dose of comfort that he desperately needed. "I'm sorry about Jenna. I don't know what I'd do if it had been me."

He took her words in, despite the slurred accent. She was wasted, but she still spoke the truth to him. He replayed those words in his mind as she returned her gaze back to the ceiling. He didn't know what to say to her, or if she even expected him to say anything.

"How's work been?" it was a vague question, but he didn't want her to stop talking to him. Her voice was the substitute for what he really wanted from her right now. He heard her sigh in disgust, but there was no answer. He didn't really want an answer, he knew. He let his mind explore how he would have handled her just leaving. She shared his pain, and he was angry at her when he left. He had no business being angry with her, he knew she was hurting as well. Hurting for him and for them. He looked over at her now, noticing her eyes closed again. He watched her wondering if she hadn't finally passed out.

"I've missed you." he mumbled the words not expecting her to respond.

"Then come home." her words were even more slurred than earlier and he expected fatigue was settling in as well.

"I can't." he heard defeat in his own voice as he answered her right away.

"Why not, El. Why can't you. Your family misses you, your kids need you. Your wife…" she forced herself to sit up straight and stare him down. Her voice trailed off at the mention of his wife and he caught the dejection that overcame her.

"I killed a kid, Olivia. You saw it, you saw her. I can't just go back to work, to life, like nothing happened." his voice was strong as he straightened to face her.

"I'm not asking you to act as if nothing happened." her voice was once again comforting as he felt himself relax with her words. "I'm asking you to come home to the people that love you and want to help you."

He stared her in the eyes as she not surprisingly refused to back down. He was supposed to be considering what she was saying to him, instead he was ordering himself not to go for her mouth right then and there. He had promised he wouldn't. He promised himself and he promised her, even if she didn't know it.

"What if Jenna had hit you instead of Sister Peg? Or shot you as well as her?" his voice was pained and it hurt his ears to listen to himself.

She swallowed hard, but kept the all important eye contact. "She didn't."

"What if she had? She almost did. Sister Peg was only inches from you. I couldn't…I wouldn't be able…" he struggled to finish his thoughts.

"Every day we face the what if's, Elliot. You know that. You can't be afraid to live, to do what we do. We can't put each other ahead of the job, you know that." she now held both his hands in hers and was pleased as it seemed he was at least hearing her.

He forced his eyes to stay with hers. He pressed his lips tightly together hoping to suffocate the thought that was screaming at him to be said out loud. He knew those words. He had said them to her during the Gitano case when he was afraid he did actually lose her. He finally dropped his eyes to their hands and shook his head. "I can't lose you." was all he could force out.

"Oh, but you can just leave me? Screw you, Elliot." her anger came out of nowhere, surprising them both. He watched as tears began to roll down her face and still she stared him in the eyes. She wanted him to see how he had hurt her, continued to hurt her. "We're partners, doesn't that mean anything to you anymore?"

He watched her slump back down against the back of the couch. Her tear streaked face turned away from him to hide her frustration and embarrassment. He silently reached for her hand, only for her to pull away from him as if she had been stung.

"We can't be partners anymore, Olivia. Why can't you understand that?' he waited until she faced him once again. Her expression hurt him more than her powerful right hook ever would.

"You didn't make a mistake, El. You saved who knows how many other people by stopping Jenna. You had to shoot her. You had to stop her." she tried in vain to make him understand that she didn't look at him any differently because of this. He was her partner, period.

He was frustrated with her. He was angry with her. She didn't deserve his anger, but she got it. His voice caused her to jump and struggle to get to her feet. He was sorry for scaring her, but she wasn't hearing him. He waited until she was standing and then joined her moving to within inches of her face. His breath on her face caused her to flinch as she blinked back tears.

"I can't do it anymore. I can't spend every day worrying about you. I can't be your partner. I can't be a cop. I can't lose you." he was yelling at her now and she was struggling to stand up to him this time.

"Who says you have to worry about me? I am perfectly capable of protecting myself. Go to hell, Elliot. Stay here and rot if that's what you want." she couldn't believe it was Gitano all over again. She was at the door by the time he caught her. He reached out taking a firm hold of her arm. He spun her around violently hating the fact that she involuntarily brought her hands up to protect herself. Training, reflexes. However slow those reflexes were, she was all cop.

"I can't lose you. I love you!" he waited until his words registered with her and her physical guard dropped.

"No, no, no Elliot." she shook her head and worked her way out of his grasp. "You don't. You're married and what about your kids, and…" this wasn't happening. He didn't love her, he was just a mess right now. Who wouldn't be.

"I love you. I don't know about everything else right now, but I know I love you." he continuously moved with her in an attempt to keep eye contact. She was unnerved and he knew it. "I think you love me, Olivia."

She stopped moving and stared at him. How could he say that. What was he doing? "No, El. We're partners, okay. That's it. Don't do this. Don't throw everything away because you're hurting."

He stared into her eyes almost as if he was considering her request. He was contemplating how she would react if he went back on his promise of a few minutes ago. He knew he loved her more than he should. He knew he wouldn't be able to live without her if something were to happen to her. He knew they could no longer be partners with the way he felt. It wasn't safe for either of them. She wouldn't let him love her, then he couldn't help but hurt her.

"Get out." his words were flat as he took a few step back from her.

"Elliot? What are you doing?" she was confused and his words had slapped her. He felt bad, sure, but once again she made him do this. Huang would be having a field day with him right about now.

"I said, get out." his voice was deeper as he knew she had to leave now or it would be too late. He watched her as she turned slowly and grasped the door handle. She had opened the door and hesitated. That's all he needed. He reached above her, slamming the door shut with one hand and grabbing her with the other. She didn't have time to react, defend or protect. She winced as her back slammed into the now closed door and his weight held her there. His mouth was on hers as she could do nothing but accept him. Her attempt to move her hands was the only thing that alerted him to how tightly he had her pinned. He was surprised at how easy it was to take her, knowing the alcohol and emotion was on his side. He kept her immobile, but removed his mouth from hers if for no other reason but to breathe. He was unsure of what he saw in her eyes. Oh yeah, she was pissed, but there was more than that there.

"You sonofabitch." she hissed keeping her eyes glued to his. Her breathing was labored and he wondered if she was truly scared of him. He didn't want to do that, he just wanted her. He slowly released his hold on her and allowed space in between them. He stood and waited for her reaction. He was close enough for her to deliver the shot to the face he deserved. He would take it, he deserved it. She only stared, mixed emotions crossing her features. He didn't move, giving her every opportunity to make the decisions now. She was free to go, his voice causing her to jump when he mentioned that. She looked towards the door before looking back at him. She wasn't going to be able to help him, hell, she wasn't even able to help herself now.

He anxiously awaited her decision. She rubbed her wrist where he had grabbed her and watched as his eyes lowered to watch her. She could see the guilt flash across his face, but he soon returned his gaze to her eyes trying to anticipate her next move. She closed the distance that he had created just a few seconds earlier. Her hands were on either side of his face, feeling the soft hair he had grown since being away. He was making it impossible to help him and when he closed his eyes to her touch, she all but gave up.

"If I stay, it's over." he knew she was talking about their partnership. His marriage was his problem, their partnership was theirs. He opened his eyes looking directly into hers. Her eyes traveled to his lips and she made the decision. It was going to be over. He had decided the same thing as he was faster. His hands, mouth and body was all over her before she could react. Now it was too late. Now, he may never come home.


	5. Chapter 5

Partner Come Home Chapter 5

I don't own SVU or it's characters, but I love them just the same.

He began by blaming the liquor, the shooting, her. If she hadn't come to Florida, if she hadn't drank with him, if she hadn't provoked. His head was pounding, his chest heavy. He, they had made a huge mistake. He wondered and worried about what would happen with them now, but he couldn't allow himself to feel shameful. He wasn't sorry. He could usually guess how she would react to certain situations, they had learned each other over the years. However, he was at a total loss on this one. He glanced at the empty space next to him, in his bed, where she had been just a few minutes ago. She could've said no to him, he had given her that option. Guilt was the consuming emotion at this point. He had given her that option, hadn't he? He knew he didn't make it easy for her. He was married and he knew how much she respected that. He also could tell how much she wanted to ignore his marriage, he could feel it when he felt her. He knew he would be looking for excuses, reasons, for why he pushed her. He figured he'd blame it all on his emotional state, and he'd be right. His actions were so very wrong, but his reasons were right. He had formed a bond, a connection to her that neither of them could deny. It had finally become stronger than the both of them and now there would undoubtedly be consequences.

She let the hot water massage her exhausted body. She wanted to be anywhere but where she was, but wondered if she'd have the strength to walk away from him. She knew she had to, especially now. She had come to help him, he trusted her to do just that. The warmth of the shower did nothing to relieve the chilling effect of what they had done. He said their partnership was over, and now she had no option but to agree. Damn him. She didn't want their partnership to be over, that's just the opposite of what she came to Florida to do. He said he loved her, she could accept that. Hell, she loved him as well. They had always been closer than most partners. The nature of their career, their chosen profession, warranted that. She tried to justify the pull he always had on her as emotional dependence after so many years. She knew it was more than that. She had always wanted him, always wanted to feel his hands on her. There were boundaries and they both respected them, until they didn't. She let herself think about what would happen between them now. He wasn't coming back, not as her partner anyway. The thought left her with a heavy heart, as if someone had died. She wasn't grieving him, she was missing them as they were. She feared them now. Fear of the unknown, a familiar feeling no doubt.

He braved the punishing light of the early morning sun to retrieve her bag from the car. He noticed it wasn't very heavy, she had no intentions of staying any amount of time. He let a small smile appear on his face as he set her bag down just outside the bathroom door. She obviously hadn't thought about her clothes as she hurried into the shower. He knew she was uncomfortable with their actions, he knew this because he was as well. He'd take the blame, had no problem with sparing her any guilt. He liked to blame her, but he knew it was never her. It was always him and his feelings for her. Yeah, he'd take the blame, it's the least he could do. He positioned himself against the kitchen counter when he heard her turn the water off. He knew she would be covered with one of the oversized bath towels that were provided. He often wondered how women managed to cover everything with even the smaller towels. He hated that. The door opened and he was right; everything covered. He hadn't thought of what he would say to her, but it wouldn't have mattered what he had come up with. The sight of her was enough to make him forget his name, much less anything else. Her eyes connected with his and their stares were locked. He tried to read her through her eyes, like he had so often done in the past, but it was if those same eyes were speaking to him in a foreign language. He nodded down to the bag he had placed by the door for her and was pleased to see the first sign of relief cross her features.

She closed the door behind her and quickly fished out clothes from her bag. He had looked just as amazing this morning as he felt last night. Her head was hurting and her stomach uneasy, she was sure she would pay for overdoing it with the liquor. She didn't want to but found it impossible to block out images of him over top of her just a few short hours ago. He wasn't gentle, but he didn't hurt her. She doubted he could, knew he never would. He didn't exactly make love to her, neither of them looking for love. She knew what he was looking for went beyond love making. He needed her to save him, keep him living. Fuck him for putting such pressure on her like that. Damn her for allowing him, damn her for accepting the pressure that was her partner.

His world had been turned upside down when he shot that child. So had hers. She knew he was struggling when he left, she knew he was hurting. She wondered if he knew just how bad abandonment hurt. She was angry with him, scared for him, and lost without him. Her frustrations were dulled due to their choice to numb their feelings with liquor. Nothing was numb, she felt it all. Every touch, every demand, every need. She did more than sleep with her married partner, she connected with him in a way she knew she would never experience again.

He headed out to the beach in an attempt to give her some privacy, some space. He wanted to apologize, but didn't know how. He wasn't sorry. He wasn't sorry that he slept with his partner, she was everything he needed and then some. He wished he was more of a gentleman, she definitely didn't deserved to be treated the way he treated her. He knew she was not like other women, she could handle him and she did. He needed her, he needed someone who understood him, who got him. She did, she always did. He was rough and he could tell in her breathing that she was nervous at times, but she stood her ground. Always stood her ground against him. He needed to fuck it out, it really was as simple as that. He just needed someone he could trust, someone he loved, someone that loved him. It was her, it was always her.

He stared at the waves that crashed onto the shore. The sky was a clear blue and he wished everything was as clear as that. He knew he spoke the truth when he told her their partnership was over. He felt too much for her and it was never more obvious to him then when he had pulled the trigger stopping the immediate threat that was a young traumatized girl. He knew he would not be able to be objective and professional enough to return to the day to day duties of being a special victims unit detective-partnered with her. He would not be able to handle her doing undercover assignments and he was sure he'd lose it if ever another perp stepped out of line. God forbid any one of those animals touched her in any way. He'd flip the fuck out and neither of them could afford that to happen. That much he was sure of.

She was relieved to find him gone when she emerged from the shower, although she found she missed him already. She argued whether or not to fight him on forfeiting their partnership. She understood his reasons, she felt them now herself, but it didn't stop her from wanting and needing him. She knew she couldn't continue without him as her partner, it would be as if she were doing it alone. The other detectives in the unit were outstanding and she was proud to call them family, but they were not him. She glanced around the small home he had made for himself over the last weeks and wondered if he would continue to stay. She wondered if he would struggle even more with his feelings now that they had crossed that so important line. She wondered if he would be able to return to his wife and resume his role as family man, husband, father. She wanted that for him, it was who he was. Who he still is. She wanted him to be okay, to deal with the tragedy properly. He had to deal with it head on, not hiding down here in the surf and the sand. She would rather he didn't deal with her and the tragedy that is now them.

He returned to find her sipping coffee at his kitchen table. She was quite the sight and he couldn't help but smile. The smile didn't come close to reaching his eyes and she didn't often miss the little things that so often explained him. He knew she was taking the passive approach, allowing him to break the tension and he would; he owed her that much.

"I'm sorry, Liv." He knew that was a useless statement. "I'm not coming home, not yet."

"Okay." How he hated how defeated she sounded. "My plane leaves in an hour. I need to get back."

He nodded as the realization hit them both head on. It was indeed over. She was going home, back to their old lives, old job, old dangers. He wasn't, not for a while longer at least. And when he did finally go home, it wouldn't be home to her and his chest hurt at the thought. He forced her to make the decision that ultimately ended them. He made it impossible for her to chose anything other than him last night. She chose him, she chose to be with him on every level. He had never felt closer to anybody in his life as he did to his partner last night. He swallowed the guilt that forced its way up to his throat. His wife would never understand. How could she ever really know what his partner was to him. Only now, she would no longer be his partner. She would go on back to killing herself in her fight against the scum of the city. Their city, their fight.

They rode in silence to the airport. He stole a few sideways glances at her from the corner of his eye. She was upset. He could tell by the way her eyes nervously watched the road and the scenery that flew past them. She wouldn't cry, he knew that much. She was already preparing herself to her life without him. He knew there would be no phone calls, no lunch dates to just catch up. He knew she couldn't function that way. He found himself worrying about her already. He knew she would submerge herself into her work. She wouldn't eat properly, nor sleep well. It was possible she would drink more, and he wondered if she would be careful with who she chose to spend intimate time with. It wasn't and it isn't now his business, but he hated that she would spend time like that with anybody other than himself. How selfish was that. He was married and he was unavailable to her. He shuddered at how many ways he felt connected to her, only to be so unavailable to her now, again.

He pulled up to the curbside and put the car in park. She didn't look him in the eye at all as she reached for her bag and the door handle at the same time. He made it to her side of the car before she stood fully. He watched her force her protective guard up as she finally let her eyes meet his.

"I'm sorry, too, El. Take care of yourself." her voice cracked just a little and he could tell it made her a little angry. He looked into her eyes and knew they would always have a special bond. He wished it made him feel better about anything right then. He figured he had nothing to lose as his hands reached out to frame her face. His mouth covered hers as he branded the taste of her, the feel of her, the smell of her to his memory. He felt her tears on his hands, but she kissed him anyway. She didn't pull back, she didn't give up. She never gave up on him, he gave up on him. He knew how much he did and was hurting her. He didn't want to hurt her. He just wanted to love her, but it could never happen like that. He felt like he was a ticking time bomb and he would explode on her in the worst way if he didn't let her leave.

"Be careful." She knew his words implied more than what he said. And with that she pulled from his grasp and instantly blended in with the busy airport traffic. She was gone, most likely gone for good. All he had to do was put last night behind them, blame the alcohol like she was willing to do, and return as her partner. She would help him through the grief of killing that young girl. She couldn't help him through the guilt of what he had done to her, he couldn't expect her to. Even she couldn't help him deal with his feelings for her, therefore there was no choice to be made. He hurts everything and everyone he touches. He touched her last night, he loved her last night. Now today, she left him. He didn't give her a choice.


	6. Chapter 6

Partner Come Home Chapter 6

I don't own SVU or it's characters, but I love them just the same.

There was still a bit of a temper concealed under a cool sophisticated appearance.

A certain coldness that kept pain just far enough away.

There was a tendency to look at life from a distance; almost as if watching, not living.

There is a need to live, to love, to feel.

The reality of him was too unsettling after so much time had passed; imagining, dreaming.

She had to cler up the misconception; she needed to present an accurate picture.

She had passionate dreams suppressed by a conservative protection.

There were more nerves in her than she let show.

The sight of him touched off something inside of her.

Desire clouds reality; she fought for distance.

There was power in his arms and in his eyes.

He was strong and soft; a very arousing combination.

Her own needs left her no choice but to respond.

This is not what she wanted or expected; a loss of her own power.

She wanted to ignore her own feelings; continue as if there weren't any brewing inside of her.

He was intuitive enough to see through her if he chose to.

It's always interesting to watch a strong person lose control, and as rewarding to see a weakened person reclaim it.

She continued the battle inside her heart and mind.

She doubted he was aware of the passion in his eyes as he spoke to her.

Once he was too close to her core, she'd never be free of him.

After reliving past experiences and emotions, it would be inevitable.

She felt the loss of her heart a painful sensation; as to when, she couldn't possibly know.

Only that there was no comparable emotion.

Her own emotions were too strong for her longing needs; fears were crashing down.

Sarcasm and denial were her only means of protection; defense.

Being loved is easy; it's the loving that is difficult; how she hated to hurt.

She wanted him to need her, but was afraid of his needs.

She wanted to be angry with him, but couldn't fight her way past the need for him.

She fought for control even when there appeared to be need for a struggle.

Being in love made it difficult to harness emotions; but that much more necessary.

He had too much power over her heart, body and mind.

She gave him her love before, but not her strength.

She questioned her strength as well as his; a combination similar to melody and harmony.

Music can be so full of power; and it can be one of the greatest pleasures of life.

Frustration made his voice as hot as anger made hers.

It was basic fear that prevented her from speaking what was in her heart.

She loved him too much for her own piece of mind.

She tended to associate love and pain together with power and fear.

A distinct struggle between love and need, romance and security.

When she loved, she was vulnerable; she found it difficult to love fearlessly.

It was a familiar dream and her mind struggled to reject it.

She tried to push the image aside, but wasn't strong enough.

She fought for control when there wasn't any more fighting.

Her drive and strength made it difficult to remember fragility.

Every time he thought he had power over her, he was caught in hers.

She loved him and announced it with clear conviction.

He was strong with a powerful heart.

Her heart surrendered to his gentle force, allowing her mind to be free and her heart to love with intensity.

She could never be free of him, but no longer had a desire to.


	7. Chapter 7

Partner Come Home Chapter 7

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU, although I wish I'd did.

Elliot headed back to his motel with a heavy heart. His mind was all over the place and he knew he really had to make a decision one way or the other. He entered his room, pulling off his shirt on the way to his bed. He collapsed down onto the comfortable king and closed his eyes. He had no hope of sleeping, not even sure if that was what he wanted to do. He didn't know what he wanted to do, he didn't know what he should do. All he knew is that he just made things so much worse for himself, and quite possibly for her as well. He let his head roll to the side, allowing himself a glance at where she was sleeping next to him just a few hours ago. Her scent was still present and he found himself pleased with that.

She wanted to be with him; that much he was sure of. He could tell when their lips and bodies met throughout the night that she wasn't sorry she had stayed. Best he could tell, they both were able to eliminate the world for just a little while. He wished it would stay gone forever some times, but only if she would have stayed with him. She didn't stay, she left him. He wasn't surprised, he hadn't really expected her to. His heart ached as he relived the connection he felt with her; something different, something more fulfilling than their partnership provided. He should be struggling with feelings of guilt, although halfway across the country from his wife, he was still married. He justified his indiscretions with the belief he didn't cheat, that would diminish what he and his partner shared. Partner? His former partner, he hated how even the thought was enough to make his chest hurt.

She only half heard the pilot's announcement that they would soon be taking off. Soon, she would be leaving him and heading back to the city, their city. She stared at the back of the seat in front of her, her eyes adjusting often to refuse the release they were begging for. She wouldn't cry over him, she had done that for too long when he left. She wished she could identify the burning she felt throughout her chest. She was angry, but unsure at who, or what for that matter. She truly believed him asking her to come see him, was his way of telling her he was ready for him to come home. That he wanted to make sure she wasn't angry at him and that she wanted him back as her partner. She had been wrong, more wrong than she could've imagined. They've shared so many experiences throughout the years, she just never thought they'd experience such intimacy.

She tried to force herself to prepare for what awaited her. She would continue to do what they used to do together, only she'd do it without him; somehow. She began to blame the liquor, but knew it would only be an excuse to disguise her guilt. The man was married, she had always respected that, until she didn't. She wasn't married or even involved with anybody at the moment, so she was good. His marriage was his problem, not hers. If only she could justify it as simply as that. He was hurting, more than she wanted to believe and her coming to him may have made things worse.

He had made her angry last night. He was rough because he was angry; angry at the world it seemed. Then he wasn't mad anymore, no longer appeared upset with her. He often did that, she thought; took it all out on her. She was safe to him, safe for him. Until she wasn't. He wanted her to stay, he was the one who was willing to cross that steel line that they swore by. Now that line was shattered, their partnership over. She wasn't angry anymore either. He made her feel everything but anger last night, and now she was unsure as to how to handle what she was feeling. She always loved him, more than a partner should. He knew that, he counted on that. Now, now she allowed herself to accept those feelings that she promised herself she'd keep buried away. She loved him, only now it was…complicated. She was in love with him and could only feel it as a loss for them; for her.

He pulled himself from the bed he had all but lived in these past few weeks. The bed they had shared, the passion that only existed for a little while before she had left. She left him, again. He knew he had crushed her when he announced he wasn't returning home, to her. As expected, she stood her ground, stood up to him by accepting yet another blow from him. The woman was nothing but steel and although he worked to weaken her last night, he counted on her strength. More than he should, way more than he deserved. The reality was that he had left her. Left her while he physically removed himself from the horror he had caused. The mistake he had made. He needed to isolate himself from everything; everyone. He needed to be alone, to figure out why the world provided him such a miserable existence.

He let her into his isolation. He had hoped she could help him remember the good in their world. He was hopeful seeing her would remind him of what his fighting was for and the benefits that came from fighting the war. She reminded him of just that, but she also reminded him of how close he had come to being lost to this world forever. Holding her reminded him of how his system collapsed realizing how easily it could've been her lying dead on the squad room floor. He couldn't take it, so he wouldn't. He refused to work side by side with her knowing at any moment she could be taken from him. So instead he left her to continue, without him. He worried about her fighting without him, but he worried more about him losing her. He cursed this fucked up world they lived in. He wondered how she managed to face it every day and survive it. She was made of something much stronger than he could ever understand. She withstood everything this world has hurled at her and still had enough left for others; for him. For all the strength she possessed, he witnessed her break under him last night. He wasn't sorry for that, for what they shared.

She arrived home to her quiet, lonely home. Her body was exhausted, weak and missing him. She was frustrated at how she could miss his touch so soon and so much. She collapsed onto her bed and relived their experience. She couldn't believe that she had made love to him and it was as wonderful as she had always imagined it would be. Yet still, still everything was broken. He didn't come home with her, he isn't coming back and she is alone; again. She heard his voice in her head explaining why he couldn't come home and it stung even now. It wasn't her fault he felt the way he did about her. They were partners and of course he would want to protect her. She took their partnership just as seriously. She cringed whenever she would think of him getting hurt, or worse. She couldn't stand the thought of having to face his death, although it was a real possibility with the careers they had chosen. She hated that he felt he had to protect her at all, she could do that for herself. He had bit her with his harsh words before over a case years ago. She never wanted him to see her as a liability. She was a capable cop and most of the time she believed he knew that.

She assumed he was struggling with what they had done. She wondered if he headed over to the bar and continued where they left off. She thought about it herself. She would drink until she couldn't feel him and maybe find someone to help her not miss him. She often dreamt of making love to him, but never imagined how lost and lonely she'd feel afterwards. She was now angry at him. He was a selfish bastard, no doubt. She was willing to cross the line and help him cope, and still he abandons her. Yeah, she was pissed. He thinks all he has to do is call and she'll come. All he has to do is cry and she'll cave. All he has to do is touch her and she'll crumble. She hated that she loved him, he made her world so incredibly complicated.

The sun was setting on the Florida coastline and he sat in the sand mesmerized by the beauty of it all. He smiled to himself wondering how the world held anything this beautiful. Just about every night for the past six weeks he has sat watching the sunset. It provided him hope until his nightmares reminded him of what happens when the lights go down. He thought about her being with him on this very beach last night after a few rounds with Jim. He wanted to laugh at her intoxicated state, but couldn't be anything but amazed by her. He knew it was a rite of passage for a seasoned cop to be able to hold their liquor. Those that drank regularly still struggled with the burn. They were special victims cops who have seen and experienced the darkest human behavior. She handled the burn and then some, definitely impressive. He wondered how often she used liquor as a shield.

He thought about how she had gotten pissed at him right here on the beach last night. She had a right to. He had invaded her space and broke through boundaries that were so necessary to their existence. He knew their partnership relied on those boundaries. He could read betrayal in her eyes after he had kissed her. He was sorry for that, for making her leave without him. She would understand and she would support him; she always did. He worried that this time it would be different. Things were different now. They did more than just make love. She was a part of him now in a different way that only made his fear of losing her worse. Yet, still he sent her away.

He paced for what seemed like hours in his dark motel room. He swore he could still sense her, her scent still present. He was unsettled and nervous. He finished off a bottle since he had returned from the beach aggravated that it did nothing to help his current state. He needed to find a way to let her go, that was his choice. He kept repeating to himself that they were done, their partnership was over. Last night was a mistake, it never should've happened. He never should've touched her like that, now he was consumed by desire for her; his need for her. He stopped pacing and stilled himself against the thought of his wife. It isn't her fault. She is a great wife and a wonderful mother to their children. She didn't ask for what he subjected her to. She was probably relieved he was gone right now. He slammed the bottle to the ground reveling in the sound of shattering glass. He was such a bastard. Loving his partner, missing her and needing her. Idolizing his wife, praising her, hurting her.

He resumed his pacing as he tried in vain to block the images of her in his bed from his mind. He only succeeded in moving to the image of her broken spirit as he kissed her good bye at the airport. Everybody he touches, he hurts. Kathy, Olivia, Jenna. He didn't deserve to be loved, not the way his wife loved him. He didn't deserve to be supported, not the way his partner supported him. He needed to apologize to her, either of them. He didn't want to hear his wife's voice, she would be angry and she had every right to be. He wanted to hear his partner's voice, even if she was angry with him. He kicked over the chair in front of him as he said out loud that she was no longer his partner. He picked up his phone and hit the familiar number on the speed dial. He held his breath, feeling a mixture of feelings as his call was directed to voice mail.

"This is Detective Olivia Benson of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit."

Elliot hung up and leaned his forehead up against the wall. He didn't know if she were ignoring him or just was out. She always had her phone with her unless… unless she didn't. He felt anger at the thought of her possibly being out with anybody else. He looked at the clock not realizing it was as late as it was. He had no right to be angry at anything she did or didn't do. He hurt her, he needed her and then he hurt her. She loved him, he could tell by the way she gave herself to him completely. He took advantage of her heart and her selflessness and hurt her. He knew she would ignore him for awhile. She would eventually take his call. He corrected himself. He hoped she would eventually take his call..


	8. Chapter 8

Partner Come Home Chapter 8

I don't own SVU or the SVU characters, but if I did…

He must've called her number a minimum of twenty times before the sun rose the next morning. He couldn't hang up, he listened to the full recording each time. Her recorded voice was as close as he would be to her and he hated the fact that he really couldn't blame her. He figured she was furious, although she usually lets him know she's pissed before the silent treatment starts. This wasn't something they usually did. He had never shared such intimacy with her to know how she would react. He preferred to think she was pissed at him rather than upset. He didn't want to think of her hurting over what he had done, continued to do to her.

He decided to call the precinct in an effort to eliminate the thoughts that kept making their way into his tortured conscious. He just wanted to know if she was okay, although he knew she wasn't. He could feel it when he kissed her at the airport; they weren't okay, may never be. He took advantage of how she felt about him and he pushed her. He took little comfort in knowing she wanted him as well, but he knew she would've walked away-had he let her. He didn't identify himself, just asked for her. No, she hadn't reported in that morning. He never asked her how much time she had requested off, but he knew it was irrelevant. She would most likely throw herself into her work, like she usually did to keep her mind occupied and her nerves manageable.

He knows her well, her mannerisms, her habits, the little quirks that make her…well, her. Even so, he accepted he had no idea where her head was right now. He had no idea where her heart was right now; either piece of it as he was sure he had torn it in at least two pieces when he refused her request. She hadn't asked for much, just for him to come home. She wasn't asking for him to leave his wife, his family. She seemed satisfied to call their moment of weakness just that. He knew she wasn't accepting his reasons for refusing her, he guessed she just didn't understand. He more than just cared for her, he loved her and the fear of losing her was disabling. Why couldn't she understand that?

She pulled herself from the bed feeling as if she hadn't slept at all. He wasn't coming back any time soon, if at all. Things seemed so much clearer now that the sun was forcing her to function. The shower did nothing to help with the burn she was experiencing in her chest. She would forgo her last day of leave and report back, without him. She had worked to convince herself that she would be able to get through to him; one way or the other. She had been wrong, he was far more removed than she could've possibly believed.

She cursed under her breath as she wondered if she should've answered his call. Maybe he had changed his mind and decided he could face her and their infected partnership. Maybe he was willing to come back but with a new partner. She wondered if that were a reality if she could accept it. He was her partner, had been for so many years now. She doubted she could watch him working with anybody else and she knew for sure she would struggle working without him. It didn't seem fair, but nothing ever really did. Fairness was not something they expected or accepted with any ease. They had seen too much over the years to give in to the false hope that the world could ever be a safe, fair place to exist.

She stared herself down once she was prepared to head out. Her gun hung a bit too heavy on her hip, her badge shined just a bit too bright. The weather was neither here nor there as she didn't seem to notice it either way. Her eyes bore the defeated shame that she experienced over the past few days. She feared her features would convey to anybody interested that she had indeed compromised her partnership; maybe even destroyed the bond that she so relied on to function.

She wanted to hate him, but knew that would never be accurate. He had been through a harrowing ordeal and she found herself wondering if she would have the strength to face it herself; if it had been her. His words were still very fresh as he hurled them at her. All she had as a defense was to hear him out. He was right, she wasn't the one that shot a child. She may as well have been, she was struggling with the after effects right along with him. Although this time he chose to deal with the aftermath on his own, forcing her to do the same. Maybe she didn't have a right to be angry with him at all, but it didn't stop her from feeling the void he created when he told her he was leaving. Leaving here and leaving her. That was six weeks ago. Now he poured salt into the wound by telling her he wasn't coming home right now. Not coming back to New York right now, or back to her at all.

He was suddenly restless as he felt confined in the tropical resort he had retreated to. He wished she would just let him know she was okay. He didn't want to work with her as his partner for fear of her getting hurt or worse. He doubted he would be enough to protect her when it counted, like her partner would be expected and required to as duty called. He didn't want to witness her going down hard like the victims in the squad room that day. Yet, here he was nearly suffocating because he didn't know how she was, where she was, or if she was…okay. He needed to know, just know that she was okay. He felt his heart break even more as he realized he couldn't work with her and he couldn't live without her.

His phone rang causing his lungs to expand enough to take in a deep breath. He felt it for years, and he felt it in totally different way when she gave in to him, their connection. She knew he was drowning and he knew she wouldn't let that happen, despite her own feelings for him right now.

His heart sank as he read his wife's name on the screen of his phone. He debated on answering, figuring she would be able to hear the guilt in his voice. He all but convinced himself to ignore her call, but the direct thought of his kids made him change his mind. What if…he didn't want to go there.

He didn't speak much, she did. She called to deliver the ultimatum he expected. How do you abandon your marriage and children to hibernate because you had a bad day at work? His wife would never say that to him, she knew what he had done. She knew how devastating it was to him, but she had had enough nonetheless. She didn't ask. She didn't beg. She demanded he return to their home, their kids, their marriage. He wasn't ready, he wasn't ready not to either. He risked losing his family, and he had already lost his partner. He figured his career was over; he knew he didn't have what it took to reprise his role as Detective Stabler.

He also knew he couldn't hide out refusing to face his demons, relying on whiskey and dreaming of his former partner. He couldn't very well go home to his wife and play the role of devoted family man either. He kept her at bay with promises to return soon. He doubted she believed him, but it was all he could offer at this time. He hung up knowing it was time to make a decision.

She entered the precinct and headed directly into her captain's office. She paced as she tried to clear her head of the thoughts that were attacking her brain. It unnerved her a bit to see her boss clearly waiting for her to speak.

"I want a new partner." her voice was not her own as she watched Cragen's eyebrow slightly rise at her words. She thought it would hurt a little less if she were the one to make the announcement; she thought wrong. She, they had been in a similar situation a few years back. Realization that they meant more to each other than maybe they should causing an unmanageable strain on their partnership. He admitted to her that she meant too much to him to continue and it frustrated her that she wasn't in a position to accept his honesty. She would ask for the change and maybe that would give him the out he was looking for to return.

Cragen's gaze made her shift uncomfortably as she waited for his response. "You have a new partner. And a new case." He knew this is not what she wanted, he knew something had been finalized in the few days she was away. He motioned out into the squad room and she refused to look up until it bordered on impolite not to. She didn't want a new partner, she wanted him back. Even broken, she would work harder if she had to. She would pick up the slack until he was functional again. This seemed so final.

Her new partner stood before her and she forced a smile while accepting his hand. She raised her eyes to meet his and was immediately drawn in. His whole world was on display through those eyes if he looked at somebody who was capable of reading into him. She was and her first assessment was that he had seen a lot in his career, maybe too much. His smile was polite, but lacked a genuine greeting as it was apparent to her that he was holding something back. He didn't want to be here and she accepted that, she didn't want him here. He was here to replace her partner and just looking at him caused her stomach to turn and her chest to burn. She turned back to their captain and was able to see into him as well. It was if he knew what she and her partner had done. The lines that they crossed, the boundaries that they shattered. It was if Cragen were punishing them, or maybe just her, by partnering her with this handsome seasoned detective that had fought too hard and too long against the devil. Perhaps he was thinking the same of her. She could feel Detective Shouder's gaze as it bore into her, causing her to realize just how much she would miss her partner.

He walked the beach for what he decided would be the last time before heading home. He still wasn't clear on anything it seemed. Maybe even just a bit more confused and conflicted than when he arrived. He could hear her words from the other night as they rose and fell with the crashing waves in the dark. He could hear the waves now, but he was quickly losing her voice to the noise in his head. She didn't want a new partner, despite the mistake that they had made. He cringed when he referred to their actions as mistakes. Nothing felt wrong about holding her, touching her, loving her. Nothing except he was married to somebody else and she was his partner. He let the image of her kissing him at the airport flood his vision as he walked. The sun was hot overhead and he could feel his skin begin to burn slightly. His chest grew tighter and he closed his eyes to the brightness that invaded them. He wanted to be back there. Back to where nothing or no one else mattered. Just her and how she made him feel. He was sure especially now that they would never be partner's again. He was certain he could never be objective when it came to her. He could never let her be his equal in the field and that would undoubtedly piss her off. She had fought to be treated equally her whole career and she would never tolerate one night in the bed changing that between them. It would though, and it already had. She wouldn't accept it, but he already had. It wasn't her fault or even her problem for that matter. He briefly wondered if she had been affected in the same way. She was willing to excuse it, write it off and return without him. He dismissed the thought as he remembered the way she kissed him goodbye. She was affected, she was hurting and she was running. Back to what was familiar, back to what was dangerous, back to their world-without him.

He had to face his wife now. He could easily file his time away with Olivia like he did so many other things he refused to share with his wife. She didn't need to know the horrors that forced their way into his world. He worked hard to shield his wife and his kids from what he came into contact with on a daily basis. It angered and frustrated Kathy, but he felt strongly about it. He knew it made Kathy feel removed and distant from him, but he still believed it to be necessary. He often felt alone in that isolated world he created for himself, he had to put the pain somewhere.

His partner knew those horrors; she felt the same pain he was sure. She accepted his anger and rage when it came to dealing with affects of what they witnesses and handled on a daily basis. She knew when he was hurting, when he was dealing with it and more importantly when he wasn't. He knew that's why she had agreed to come to Florida when he asked. She knew he needed her and he knew she'd come. It's what they did and who they were to each other. His wife couldn't and wouldn't understand their relationship. She didn't accept the need he had to be connected to his partner in a way he could never be with her. He wondered if he had a male partner if the bond would be as strong. He laughed off his thought as he once again pictured her under him in his bed. No, he would never have such a bond with a male partner.

He was a selfish bastard and he accepted that. His wife wanted him home now and he didn't want to go. He missed her and his kids, but he didn't want to look her in the eye knowing that he had loved another in a way he vowed never to. He screamed out in frustration against the waves. He knew his wife wouldn't understand what he needed, not like his partner did. Kathy would call it an affair and would swear she knew they were intimate all along. Blame his distance and reservations about his work on his preference for his partner. He was already bracing himself for what he knew his wife would accuse him of.

Olivia was not an affair, not like his wife would insist. He was torn between feeling frustrated that she would never understand what Olivia was to him and pleased that he could cherish what Olivia was to him without her knowledge. Yeah, he didn't deserve a wife like Kathy. He didn't deserve a partner like Olivia. He was selfish and the shame of that was slowly eating away at his confidence to be a husband, father, or even a partner.

He returned to the motel and collected his belongings. He didn't have much, hadn't needed much. It was time to go home. Home to his life as it was. He was anxious to see his kids, tentative about seeing his wife. He knew he would have to eventually talk to Cragen and make a decision about his job. He thought about going to her place once he arrived in New York. Just to see her before he attempted to put the pieces of his life back together. He wanted to look into her eyes without the stresses of the job in the way. He wanted to read her and see if she was indeed okay; he knew she would never tell him if she wasn't.

His wife called demanding his return. Here he was preparing to go home. It seemed very simple in a very complicated way. His wife needed and wanted him still, despite what he had done. Despite the mistakes he had made both on the job and at home. He had responsibilities that he swore he would never shirk. He had to face the devil back on his own turf now. What his wife could never know was that he wanted to stay away forever. That he had finally had enough of it all. What his wife could never know was that although he loved her it wasn't her that had broken through to his soul.

It was his partner; it had always been her. It was the way she cried when she talked to him. The way her voice invaded his heart when she simply asked him to come home. The way she begged for him with her eyes, yet pushed him away with her body. It was the way she kissed him when they were alone that allowed him to completely admit to himself that he loved her. He loved her in a way he had never experienced before. It wasn't Kathy's fault, how could it ever be. It was Olivia's. She had once again made him feel things he never even knew existed. She made him become so totally invested in her just by agreeing to lie down with him. She made him realize he couldn't just dismiss his feelings anymore. Hide behind grief and tragedy. She made him want to be around her, near her, with her. How does she make you do anything? There he was. He wondered where Huang's persistent analyzing of his most tortured thoughts had been. He figured he would have to start by facing the department shrink before even being considered for duty.

He smiled as he grabbed his phone to make the reservations. He was coming home but he wasn't returning as her partner. He just couldn't anymore. He hoped she wouldn't hate him for that, but he was coming back to her. He had to be there to make sure she was okay and that she stayed okay. He had to make sure her new partner would treat her the way she deserved and would demand. He knew she would be upset with him, but eventually she would accept it. He corrected himself. He hoped she would eventually accept it.


	9. Chapter 9

Partner Come Home Chapter 9

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

She lowered herself slowly into her desk chair taking special care not to make eye contact with her newly assigned partner. She didn't want to hate or resent him, it's not like he asked to become her new partner. She noticed, without raising her eyes, her new partner taking a seat at his new desk. She wanted to let him know that he isn't her real partner, that he would never be. She wanted to let him know how this arrangement would never work, it didn't feel right. It wasn't right; nothing was right anymore.

"I don't intend to replace him…if that's what you're thinking." Shouder's tone was full of arrogance and annoyance.

"Wrong. What I'm thinking is….this just sucks!" She did look up at him now and her eyes collided with his. He held her gaze until she felt her point was received. She then lowered her eyes back down to her desk searching for a moment to decide if she wanted to enter a pissing match with her new partner.

"Doesn't have to." His voice pulled at her despite her attempts to refuse him. He spoke with a quiet authority that challenged every nerve she had left.

"I don't want a new partner. I'm not ready for a new partner. I didn't ask for a new partner." Her voice countered his as she anxiously awaited his response.

"Ah, but you did…ask for a new partner." He seemed to be enjoying this banter and that alone was enough to encourage her.

She stared him down in what was to be their first speechless conversation. She felt her heart rate increase as she replayed her short conversation just minutes ago with Cragen. Yeah, she asked for a new partner. Even so, she was in no way ready to move on without him; not yet, if ever. Detective Shoulder was every bit as big as he was, every bit as confident as he was and every bit as experienced as he was. That was how he carried himself and what he offered her. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't him.

"Are you ready to take this case, or do I have to do my first case out of here alone?" Shouder offered a surrendering smile. "It may be my first day here, but I'm not scared."

Oh yeah. Cragen did mention a new case. She rose from her chair and headed for the elevators. He caught her with a few strides of his own and that alone irritated her. They rode in silence until they exited the precinct. She immediately braced herself against the bright sunlight. He handed her a pair of sunglasses that she instantly recognized as being hers.

"You left them on your desk." Shoulder knew he was getting to her and seemed to be enjoying it.

She made her way to the car despite the intense desire to snap at his arrogance. She watched him climb into the passenger seat. She climbed in herself refusing to acknowledge his gesture with the glasses. He grabbed her hand to still her before she could turn the key in the ignition. She immediately made eye contact with him and she realized that was his intention.

"I'm a damn good detective, Benson and I'm sorry about what happened with Stabler. I know you two were partners a long time, but none of this is my fault." He removed his hand before she could shake it away.

"What's the address?" Her response was to get down to business. It wasn't Mike Shouder's fault that Elliot shot a child. It wasn't his fault that Elliot abandoned her in his effort to come to terms with it. It wasn't his fault that Elliot refused to return to her. It wasn't his fault that he was put into the position he was in.

He returned his rental car and waited for his plane to board. He chest was heavy with anxiety as he felt forced to return to a world that had a way of suffocating him. He wanted to see her, wondering if that alone would help settle his nerves. There used to be a time when she would be the only person that could calm him. Now he was worried; worried she wouldn't want to see him, to help him. He worried that he had managed to turn her away for good. Maybe he was too much for her; finally.

His let his thoughts fall on his wife, his family. They didn't deserve to be abandoned. Now he would return and hope they understood why he had to leave. He decided he wouldn't try to explain why he was gone for so long. He really didn't know why himself. He really didn't know if returning was the answer either.

What he did know was that he didn't like his wife demanding anything of or from him. He wasn't being fair to her, he knew as much. Life wasn't always fair, in fact, it rarely ever was fair. Her demands had forced his hand though, he was scared of losing any more of what he loved. He had lost or pushed away so much already. His partnership was over, therefore so was his career. He couldn't work without her, he wasn't willing to try. He couldn't work with her either, not after the realization of what she meant to him was so tangible now.

He tried to relax as he was transported back to the city. The city where his world had come to a sudden halt. He didn't want to return; afraid of what faced him. He had some decisions to reveal, feeling confident in his choices. He was done. He would no longer be the one that so many victims saw as a hero. He would no longer be involved in giving those women and children the courage and strength to move on with their lives. He would no longer be the one to make sure predators paid for the heinous acts committed against the innocent.

He would no longer welcome her each morning with her favorite coffee hoping for the familiar smile that made his day. He would no longer stand guard waiting for his cue from her to jump in when interrogating criminals together. He would no longer feel the undeniable connection when she fell in beside him stride for stride as they made their way through the city streets. He would no longer feel the need to kiss her when she would offer to finish his share of the paperwork so he could make it home in time for dinner.

He also would no longer have to worry about her dying. He felt consumed with the fear that she would leave him with such finality. He would no longer have to worry about that happening, at least not because of something he felt he could no longer do. He wasn't capable of protecting her. He no longer felt confident enough to be the one to have her back at all times. He knew she didn't accept that, but he knew it to be true.

He worried that her new partner wouldn't protect her like he would. He hated that he couldn't have it both ways. Maybe she would throw in the towels as well; once she accepted his decision to leave for good. He rested his head against the back of the seat and wondered if maybe he was going about things wrong. Mabye he needed to convince her to turn in her shield as well. They were so co-dependant on one another in the field that he knew for certain he couldn't work without her. He could only wonder if she felt the same way.

He blew out a breath as he listened to the pilot announce their arrival to LaGuardia. He would need to go home first. He knew he needed to salvage what he could of his marriage, hoping he could keep his affair with his partner out of their conversation. His wife didn't deserve to be betrayed like that, she didn't deserve to be abandoned either. He would want to defend what he had shared with his partner; calling it an affair was so demeaning to who she was to him.

He took his time navigating his way through the crowded airport. He glanced at his watch noticing it to be early evening. He found himself immediately wondering if she was home or still at the precinct. He knew he needed to go home first, but he was being pulled to her instead. He put his phone to his ear wondering if she would take his call now. She hadn't talked to him since she left him at the airport and he had had enough. She could be upset with him, but he would demand she let him know she was okay.

She sat at her desk, writing up her DD5's. Her and her new partner just finished a rare open-shut case. She knew she should thank Shouder, but her pride was too bruised at the moment. She struggled with her concentration all day until her distracted state caught up with her. She caught an elbow to the face while cuffing their suspect and now was nursing what was sure to be a shiner from hell. Shouder finished the task, delivering a few extra shots of his own. She had been humiliated, frustrated and was now just pissed off.

"You okay?" Shouder knew she was upset at her performance.

"Just great." she snapped, her head rested against the ice pack that offered no comfort to her quickly forming black eye.

"Happens, you know."

"Not to me." she insisted on keeping her head buried. Her phone had vibrated on her hip and her mood only worsened when she checked the I.D. She knew her mind had been on her former partner when she took the shot to the face. She didn't need his voice to add insult to injury.

She pushed her chair back. She dropped her paper work on her captain's desk and returned to her desk for her purse. "I'm out of here." She still hadn't made eye contact with her partner, still pissed he felt the need to step in and finish with their perp. She angrily made her way to the elevator ignoring his innocent gesture for her to have a good night.

She had made many mistakes throughout the day. She knew she was distracted and she knew why. She let herself into her apartment and immediately collapsed onto the couch. She was still angry with her new partner although she knew she was being unfair and unreasonable. She was still angry at her old partner although she wondered if she had a right to her feelings about him either. She made the decision to stay. She made the decision that she knew would finalize the partnership for good. Now she wondered if her heart would ever know the difference between love and need. She needed him. He knew how she worked. If she would've taken an elbow to the face, he definitely would have let her finish herself despite the shot. She knew that wasn't why she was upset. It was easier to blame her inability to focus on the lack of chemistry with the new partner instead of the loss of it with her old. She did something she rarely ever did. She turned her phone off and headed to bed. She hoped she would be able to forget what he was to her and how she needed him. It would take time, she knew that much.

He held his breath as he made his way into the precinct. It was late, but he only received a nod from the officer manning the front desk. He exited the elevator praying she wasn't there, but wishing she was. His eyes fell on the figure sitting at his desk. He glanced to her desk, noticing the files scattered on top. She hardly ever left her desk in such disarray unless she had to leave in a hurry. He felt the familiar concern heat up the back of his neck as she approached the detective typing away on his computer.

"What's going on?" He glared at Shouder.

"Can I help you?" Shouder was on his feet in seconds.

"Stabler." He held out his hand and relaxed slightly when Shouder seemed to recognize the name.

"Heard about what happened. Sorry." Shouder returned to his seat, leaning back to study Olivia's former partner. The one that obviously had her turned around completely.

"Where's Benson?" He didn't want to admit he figured Shouder was her new partner.

"Left for the night…" Shouder noticed Elliot glancing at the mess on her desk. "Wasn't feeling well."

"Why?" He hated that he knew something was wrong just by such a small detail. He knew her, knew how she worked, knew she wasn't okay.

"Had a rough day. New partner, new case. You know how it goes." Shouder tried to play down the tension that was building between the two of them.

"No, no I don't. What happened?" Elliot sat down across from Shouder, at her desk.

"Open-shut case. Finished her paperwork, went home." Shouder straightened in his chair, keeping his sights on Elliot.

"What happened?" he asked again with less patience.

"What business is it of yours? You're done here, Stabler." Shouder had gotten to his feet.

Elliot stood to match Shouder's height. He bit his lip as he willed himself to control his temper. "Cragen assign you here?"

"Just today. She wasn't happy, but I guess it was made official you weren't coming back, at least not to this unit." Shouder couldn't help but feel for Olivia's former partner. He couldn't imagine what he was dealing with. The news of the shooting spread quickly and it was common knowledge of how he had cracked afterwards.

Elliot nodded slightly letting his eyes roam her desk once again. "I know something happened. She never leaves her desk a mess. Doesn't like to start the next day off this way."

"Nothing major. Took a shot to the face while cuffing our perp. Nothing we haven't all endured." Shouder watched Elliot carefully.

"Not her." Elliot pointed to his head. "Her head's always in the game, doesn't make mistakes like that."

"Well, she did today. Probably wear a shiner for a while, but otherwise she's just pissed." Shouder contemplated on how much to disclose.

Elliot continued to glare at Olivia's new partner. "She's more than capable, you know."

"I know."

"She's the best in this unit, so you know." Elliot lectured.

"I know that too."

"She's very passionate about what we do here. Can you handle that? Can you keep up with that?" Elliot's words were challenging. She had been back to work one day and was already hurt.

"If you care so much about her, maybe you need to help her. Her head is not in the game. She's going to get more than hurt if she can't get it together." Shouder's words knocked the wind out of Elliot.

Elliot stood with his face inches from Shouder's. "If you are her partner, than it is your responsibility to have her back…no matter what."

"I will, Stabler." Shouder refused to back down. "She's having a hard time with this partner change is all I'm saying."

Elliot turned to leave. He knew she was having a hard time with his decision. He felt that when he kissed her at the airport. He felt it each time he called her and got her recording. He swallowed the guilt that threatened his airway. He boarded the elevator and tried her number again. It went directly to voice mail, causing his chest to tighten. She never cuts her phone off, unless she's had enough.


	10. Chapter 10

Partner Come Home Chapter 10

I don't own SVU or it's characters.

He took his time leaving the squad room. He hadn't been back since the day he left after the shooting. He had communicated with Cragen his intentions, but his boss just pacified him with understanding. He said to give it some time, and really think about what you want. He glanced back at her new partner while awaiting the elevator. Shouder hadn't seemed too bothered by his visit as he typed away seemingly with a finish line ahead. He looked smug, almost as if he had won something. As if they had been competing and he won. Hard to believe they only just met moments ago.

He called her phone again, not really expecting her to answer. Her voice was familiar and her words on the recording actually gave him a uneasy feeling of peace. He listened carefully almost as if he could catch a hint of something, anything in her voice. He knew it was a recording, the same recording he had listened to since she left him at the airport. Didn't stop him from hoping he could hear something that said she was okay. He wasn't worried about the shiner Shouder said she would have. He knew she was tougher than that. He was worried about where her head was. She's been around too long to make the little mistakes, unless her head wasn't in the game. Little mistakes usually end up with big consequences. She couldn't afford anything more than a shiner and he couldn't handle her paying for anything more than that.

His thoughts were consumed with the events that caused him to leave. He could almost hear the chaos that followed the initial shots. He could almost see her as she turned to face the young girl. She was so close, too close. He could see her eyes as she scanned the squad room for him. He knew she was looking for him; he knew it when her eyes found his. She had fallen to the ground with Sister Peg, never pulling her gun. There was no time, he knew how it all played out. It was all he could do to distract the distraught teen shooter and he did. He almost had the victory until she intended to shoot again. He stopped her…for good. He did what he had to do to prevent any more blood. He could hear his own heart pounding against his chest as he headed out into the New York night air.

She was simply exhausted and didn't struggle at all to fall into a deep sleep. It was by no means a peaceful slumber as her mind raced with the images and sounds of that tragic day that has changed them both. Her mind flashed images of him as he took cover behind his desk, as he aimed to fire, as he kneeled at the shooter's side. Images of him as drank with her in the noisy bar, walked on the busy beach in the dark, angrily accused her of not understanding him. Images of him as he pulled her down onto him in his motel room, stared into her eyes, kissed her with an angry passion that she could still feel on her lips. The images of him were replaced with images of herself as she fell off to the right after taking a shot to the face. How she watched her new partner cuff their perp, never looking her way when he asked if she was okay. Her unconscious mind made her watch him as he slowly walked out of the squad room for what would be the last time as her partner, despite her efforts to help him, save him, fix him.

She awoke with a start, sitting up in the bed. She was surrounded by darkness and the only sound in the apartment was her noisy breathing. She slowly lowered herself back down angry at herself for letting her emotions control her once again. He made his decision. He had every right to whatever decision he chose. He was a grown man that had a family to think about. A family that he had abandoned in his search for his own control. She knew he wasn't a man that would leave his family alone for too long. He would return, even if still broken. He would return to fix the family he quite possible broke by leaving.

He wouldn't be returning to her, to help fix her. Him breaking had broke her. Why didn't he see that? Could he even see that? There once was a time when they could read each other; feelings, fears, victories. Now she wasn't so sure he could even see past the anger, hurt, horror that shielded his vision from life. He went away to stop the spin, to sort out the horror. She really thought he had succeeded when he called her to meet him. She could feel her chest tighten as she lied flat on her back. He hadn't succeeded in the least; he was still a complete mess. She replayed his words in her head. He said he loved her, but wasn't coming back. How do you do that to somebody you love? Anger invaded her senses as she thought about how completely she gave of herself to him. His words were angry, but his touch anything but. She knew they would never be the same if she stayed with him in his bed, it would be nearly impossible. She just really thought he would at least come home and return to work. She hated it, but understood if they couldn't be partners. The dynamics to their partnership had changed drastically with the intimacy that she now viewed as a mistake. Everything was right in the moment, not so much now as she lay alone listening to her head torment her.

She had worked cases without him in the past, vacation time, sick leave and so forth. She was successful and efficient; she was in no way dependent on him to function. Even in his absence there was a sense of security knowing he was her partner. They worked as a team, their success and survival a direct result of their union. She wondered now just how efficient her performance would be. Only then did she feel the effects of her performance from earlier that day. She dreaded morning coming knowing she would be faced with reality. She wasn't functioning without him. How could he do this to her? If he was so worried about her getting hurt or killed, why wasn't he walking in line with her?

She was angry. At him, at herself. She had loved him for so long, from a professional safe distance. She had wanted him for so long, only to sacrifice her own need for him for the sake of his marriage. He respected her, she knew that much. He trusted her to keep him safe in the field, have his back with the brass, keep him in check with the perps. She stood strong while he vented out his marriage tensions, worried over his kids, doubted the good they did daily. She reminded him of the women they helped or the kids they saved when one more injured, raped or hurt child fell into their laps as a new case. She was his rock and he all but confessed that to her when he called for her to come to him. She didn't hesitate. He needed her and she was his partner.

Now what? She needed him. She wondered if she truly did need him. He managed to help her keep the safe distance from the children that needed her. From the women who unintentionally clung to her in their time of despair. He shielded her from the brass when she more than deserved the rips that she had coming. He was her protective body suit when she provoked a suspect just a bit too far insisting on a confession she knew they needed. She was his partner and that's what they did. Who they were. Now who were they?

She no longer knew. She had a new partner, a black eye and a bruised heart. She no longer felt like the invincible tough cop who could and would help and protect. She felt lost and confused. Angry and alone.

He walked to her apartment in the dark night air. She would often walk home after a long day, he figured she needed the time to distance herself from the job. He wished he could do the same sometimes, find a way to turn the horrors off. He knew the reality was that she never turned it off. She never quite succeeded in separating her life from her job. She didn't have what he had, a need to turn it off. He hated bringing work home and had somehow managed to create a very distinctive dividing line. Until now.

He looked up at the darkness that flowed from her living room window. He glanced at his watch; it was close to two in the morning. He spent entirely way too long at the little hideaway bar they often frequented together. She never usually had more than two beers when they stopped there, but it was just enough to delay him from going home. Just enough to allow him to keep his promise to himself not to bring their latest case home to his family. He doubted she really wanted to be there, but he never refused his invite.

She never said, but he knew she was doing it for him. She was protective of his family as well. She was totally selfless when it came to him and he took advantage of that; of her. He knew all along how she felt about him. He was trained to read people, but took pride in the fact that he could more than read his partner.

He sat on the stoop in front of her building. It was late and he waited patiently for someone to exit or enter her main building. He didn't want to ring the buzzer and wake her; he really didn't have a right to do that. He shook his head when he thought about how that's what he planned on doing when somebody let him in. Too many drinks, too much drinking. He never thought he would feel the need for liquid courage to speak with her. He only wanted to talk to her, to apologize, to encourage, to help her. He had answered the question as matter of fact as possible when their favorite bar tender had asked about his sexy little partner. He normally would go on the offensive with such a remark, but it was an innocent comment. He would usually laugh when she would dish it right back when they were there together. He put away too much. He felt he needed it to calm his nerves, build his courage. He was supposed to be heading home to confront his wife. Her tone on the phone made him realize she was ready for a confrontation. Instead he found himself sitting outside her home, waiting for a stranger to give him access to her door. A door she may or may not open for him.

She felt herself drifting back to sleep. Her body was relaxed despite the burning in her chest and the spinning in her head. It didn't take long before the sounds of the squad room under siege once again invaded her sub consciousness. The sound of gunfire was so distinctive that she could feel herself react as each shot rang out. She could see Elliot hit the ground hard as he screamed her name. Her heart was beating uncontrollably as she begged her body to move to him. She couldn't move, only stare as he called her; needed her. Suddenly everything went black as she heard one more shot. The still, quiet room was instantly filled with her uneven breathing. She often suffered from nightmares when her buried emotions demanded release. She had just calmed herself when she heard a soft yet firm knock at her door. She looked to her clock before slowly climbing from the bed. She made her way to the door, firmly grasping her gun in the process.

The sight of him through the peep hole in the door nearly brought tears to her eyes. He came back after all. He hadn't given up on her; on them. She was able to get through to him despite him insisting he was done. She waited until he knocked again wondering if she could handle him right now. She was emotionally drained and her body was thoroughly confused as to how to feel with him at her door in the middle of the night. She looked down at her sleep attire instantly deciding to grab a pair of sweats in favor of the short sleep shorts she often wore.

He patiently waited, listening to the movements from inside her apartment. He briefly wondered if she had company and how wrong it really was for him to show up unannounced like this. Shouder did say she had a bad day and bad days often lead to bad decisions later. He knew this first hand and he knew his partner. He felt his balance give a bit as he wondered if she had decided against letting him in. She hadn't and his breath caught in his throat as she came into his view threw the opening door. He stared, noticing how she struggled to keep eye contact with him.

"Can I come in?" His voice was not his own as he didn't wait for her invite. He heard her close the door behind him and then there was silence. He turned to see her leaning up against it undoubtedly giving him the floor.

"I met your new partner." It was meant as a tension breaker but only succeeded in breaking her spirit. She only nodded, obviously waiting on his real reason for coming.

"I don't like him." He felt a twinge of relief as she smiled briefly at his comment.

"Elliot, what changed your mind? I didn't think you were coming back for a while longer." Her voice penetrated his senses and he wanted so many things from her, for her.

"Kathy. Kathy called and demanded I return." He cursed himself for delivering that bit of information. He watched as she tried to hide the sting from his words.

"Have you been home yet?" She hoped not for his sake. He had obviously been drinking and knew things wouldn't go well with his wife if he showed up intoxicated.

"No. Heard you had a rough day." He motioned with his head towards her face.

"Had a rough couple of months. You didn't seem too worried about me then." There it was. The anger slipped from her tongue as she pushed off the door. "You want some coffee?"

He reached out grabbing her by the arm as she headed into the kitchen. The sudden movement startled her as well as him as he instantly let go at her glare. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

She kept her eyes focused on his face, suddenly she was strong enough to stare him down. He still wore the beard that was kept trimmed close to his face. She fought the urge to reach out and run her fingers over his soft facial hair. "I'm fine, Elliot."

He recognized the comment as her signature statement. It was her way of staying strong despite the emotional havoc her body was punishing her with. "Really? How did that happen then."

Why was he challenging her? She chose to ignore his comment. "Have you changed your mind? As far as coming back to work?"

He stared into her eyes. His heart sank at the defeat he saw in them. She knew. He knew she knew he wasn't planning on coming back to work. Him not answering was answer enough for her.

She lowered her eyes and slowly made her way back to the door. "I'm fine, Elliot. Just let my guard down. Rookie mistake." She opened the door giving him the more than obvious clue.

He didn't want to leave. He had to see her, had been thinking about nothing but seeing her and here he had managed to hut her again within minutes. He walked up and gently pushed the door closed. "I need you to understand. Please."

She refused to cry in front of him, because of him. He was not coming back and he came to tell her that in the middle of the night. He couldn't possibly know how he was killing her just by standing this close to her.

He wasn't coming back to work or to her. His wife had had enough and her demands were enough to make him cave. She knew it should be that way. His wife should be the most important person in his life and he should be worried about what his absence has done to this marriage.

"I can't do this anymore. I hate leaving you, us, but I just can't do…this…anymore." His words cut her deep as she felt a tear escape.

"Okay." she hated that her voice was no more than a whisper. "I understand."

"No, you don't." he was instantly reaching for her face, forcing her to look him in the eyes. He winced as he got a good look at her eye. "I don't feel like I can be that person to have your back. I don't trust myself to be able to protect you like a true partner should be able to do."

"I don't believe that." She managed to force out at least a little fight, but she knew he had made his decision.

"I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to you…especially because of me." He stared into her eyes wanting so badly to kiss her. He had no right especially now.

"That's crap, Elliot." She pulled from his gentle hold. "We've always worked well as a team, always had each other's back. Why now? Why all the sudden? So you shot a kid! Jenna wasn't a kid anymore. She was a victim just like her mother. But she was shooting people. Anybody, everybody. You stopped the shooter Elliot. Nothing happened to me or anybody else once you stopped her."

He wanted her to talk to him. He wanted this, but he wasn't prepared for the frustration in her words as she hurled them at him. He wanted to grab her and wrap her in his arms, but he also wanted to leave before he grew angry at her inability to accept his reasoning for leaving her on the job without him.

"I can't do this without you, Elliot." Her voice cracked as she spoke and he hated himself for doing this to her. Why couldn't she see he was doing it for her.

"Then don't. Leave as well. We did our share, Olivia. We saved our share of kids, helped more than our share of women."

She stared at him for a long moment before shaking her head. "I can't. I have nothing else." Her words were delivered in such a defeated tone that he placed his hands on his knees to stop his heart from bleeding out.

"You said you couldn't do this without me. Then leave with me." He knew his words wouldn't convince her. This is who she was. She let the job define her and he knew he couldn't compete.

"I can't do this job without you and you can't do this job with me. Makes you wonder how we've survived so many years together." Her voice caused him to look up at her with a confused expression.

"That's not what I said." He knew he wouldn't be able to explain his feelings in a way she would understand or accept.

"Then what, Elliot?" She was growing angry, he could tell. "What is it then? Why now? Don't say Florida because you made your decision to leave way before calling me."

He studied her carefully as he pondered on how to answer her. He knew she deserved an answer, she deserved so much more. He looked up at the ceiling before returning eyes to hers.

"I realized something after the shooting. I…I realized how close she came to shooting you, Olivia."

He watched as she slowly shook her head. He was frustrating her, he knew it.

"I wouldn't survive that. I just wouldn't." He was struggling and she knew it.

"Elliot, we have lived with that possibility for over twelve years. It never stopped you from reacting and responding when you've needed to. It didn't stop you this time either." She moved closer to him as she spoke. "If you are done, I will have to accept that. I have no right not to. If you are done because you worry about me….I won't accept that."

He stared her down. He knew their partnership was over. She knew it as well. She was demanding an answer from him without even asking the question. They used to be able to sit in silence and it was both comfortable and comforting. Now it was agonizing as he watched her fight back threatening tears.

"I love you!" His words were loud and forceful, startling even him as he watched her jump a bit as well. "Okay? Do you understand that? I love you and I can't function as your partner knowing I could lose you."

She stared at him, having no words for what his words had done to her. He decided to continue knowing he had nothing to lose at this point. "I realized just how much I loved you after the shooting. I reacted with fear of her shooting you next. Maybe if I hadn't reacted that way, she'd still be alive."

"El?" She really didn't know what to say to his confession.

"I'm scared, Liv. Scared of making that one mistake that takes you from me. I can't do this anymore." He glanced at her before opening the door. He knew she wouldn't stop him. She was struggling to accept his words, he could tell by her expression. He stood outside her door once it was closed listening to the sound of her engaging the locks. He hated that she would insist on working through the pain he just shoveled onto her alone. It's who she was though and he knew it. He slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor. He didn't want to go home, he wanted nothing more than to stay with her. He knew she wouldn't have it. He would stay for just a little while, just to make sure she was okay. He felt he couldn't protect her anymore, but he sure as hell could still love her.

She leaned against the door after securing it. He had killed her with words that she had so often dreamed of hearing from him. He loved her. She slid down the door until she was sitting on the floor. She had no reason to stop the tears from flowing now as she allowed herself to cry freely. He wasn't coming back. She didn't ask if he would return to a new partner, she didn't want to know. Her body was exhausted as her broken heart barely kept her breathing. She needed to get some sleep. She still had a job to go back to in the morning. She felt compelled to stay near the door. He had been gone for quite a while when she finally managed to get to her feet. She felt his presence embrace her as she leaned against the door. She felt instantly weakened as she moved from the door back to her bed. He had a way of controlling her emotions even when he wasn't near her.

She would ignore him, he figured that much. She had a right to be angry with him for dropping such a bomb on her. He stood when he could no longer feel her presence. She wouldn't leave the unit, he knew that when he asked her to. He found himself wanting to get in Shouder's face and demand he watch her back like he would; only better than he could. He trusted some detective he barely met to protect the one person in the world he could not live without. What was wrong with him? How could she scare him the way she did? Enough to give it all up, to hand her over to someone else? He doubted even Huang had any answers for him on this one.

"I'm sorry, Olivia." his voice bounced off her door and slapped him in the face. He headed out into the city. He watched the people as they made their way home after partying. The city never sleeps, he knew that to be true. He knew it would be a long time before he sleep well again, if ever. He already knew she wouldn't.


	11. Chapter 11

Partner Come Home Chapter 11

I don't own…

He was tempted to return to "their" bar as he began walking. He would have to grab a cab at some point, there was no way he could walk all the way to Queens. The cool night air was a definite contradiction to the humid Florida evenings he had grown so accustomed to. He wanted to walk, needed to think, needed to make sense of his life. His career was all but over, his family all but abandoned and his partner all but hated him. He wasn't sure if she hated him, but he knew she wasn't happy with him at all. He couldn't figure out a solution to the problems that continued to mount.

He wondered what he would say to his wife upon his arrival. She didn't know he was back in the city, she didn't even know for sure when he was coming back. He was dreading seeing her and that alone made him feel guilty as hell. He figured he would always love his wife, but they had been drifting apart for years now. He doubted he ever felt the consuming feeling with his wife that he felt with his partner. Former partner now, thanks to him. He couldn't fight it, completely caught off guard when the realization hit him full force that day in the squad room. He was in love with his partner. He recognized how dangerous it was for him to accept such an undeniable emotion. They managed to bury those feelings when they threatened their partnership years ago, but it was impossible this time. At least it was for him. She seemed willing to ignore their feelings and their actions in favor of the partnership. Why did it seem so easy for her and not for him?

He thought about turning around and going back to her place. Make her listen to him; make her understand why. She most likely understood where he was coming from, she just didn't like it. He got that much. He found himself wondering if she would even open the door to him again. He doubted it. She might forgive him, but she would make damn sure it was on her terms. He got that too. He raised his arm to flag down a lonely cab as it made its way towards him. He had to face his wife, he owed her that much. He couldn't possibly be mad at the mother of his children because he screwed up. How was that acceptable? He wasn't mad at all, he just didn't like her forcing his hand. Much like he did to his partner that night at the motel. He made it impossible for her to leave and now it was impossible for him to stay. He gritted his teeth as he reminded himself that their partnership needed to be over way before she agreed to love him. It wasn't safe, he wasn't safe for her. He loved her and that made everything so dangerous. How he wished she would accept that from him.

He watched the city disappear behind him as the cab made its way into Queens. It was late, maybe she would be asleep and he could just slip in unnoticed. He hated the anxious, dreaded feeling that consumed him as the cab pulled to a stop in front of his house. The house where he had left his family while he tried to block out the world for a bit. The house was dark and quiet and he was hopeful. Hopeful that she wouldn't want to talk tonight. That she wouldn't need answers tonight. That she wouldn't need him tonight at all. He hoped that she wouldn't be able to look at him and tell that he made the one mistake he swore he would never make. Loving his partner the way he did was by no means a mistake, but he was married. Married to a woman he couldn't honestly say he loved completely anymore. He knew that didn't excuse his actions, but for the moment it made sense in his senseless world.

He used his key and quietly entered his home. The darkness was welcoming, the quiet comforting. He slowly lowered himself down onto the couch and stretched out his legs. It had been a long day filled with too much emotion. He listened to the ticking of the wall clock that he would hear so often after a particularly tough day. It was if it spoke to him, reminded him that he only had so much time to grieve, stew or pout. Tomorrow was another day and he would dress for it and show up. He wasn't sure he would ever show up again, this last case had broken him. He didn't want the job, he didn't want the responsibility. He didn't want the pressure. He didn't want to leave her out there fighting their fight alone either. She wasn't ready to give up, to give in. He respected that. She always told him she couldn't do this job without him, but she wasn't going to give up just because he was. That was the strength he knew she possessed. The dedication to the victims, the injustice, the war they would never win. He needed to be there to protect her, from herself sometimes at that. Shouder would have no clue how to handle her moods, her drive, her need. It was dangerous for her to continue on without him but even more so with him.

His thoughts were interrupted when the room lit up. Here we go.

"Were you going to stay down here all night?" He really didn't want to talk to her right now. He needed time to prepare what ever it was that he was going to say to her. Now, there was no time, she would force his hand again.

"Didn't want to wake you." His voice sounded flat to even him as he avoided matching her gaze.

"You come home after a month and a half and you didn't want to wake me?" He swore her voice was full of accusations. He knew it was just his own fears, doubts and desperate desire to be somewhere other than where he was.

He realized a little too late that she was expecting an answer to a question he didn't quite get.

"What's going on with you, Elliot? Have you been drinking?" Yeah, she wanted to express to him what a jerk he had been to his family. That he got.

"As a matter of fact I have. For the past six weeks if you need to know that too." He didn't want to fight, but it was appearing to be inevitable. He watched as disgust crossed her features as she stared him down.

"I don't understand what's wrong. How much longer were you planning on hiding out?" Why couldn't she see that he didn't want to do this, not now, not ever.

"Don't really know." He got to his feet and walked away from his wife, hoping to create the distance he needed.

He could feel her eyes burning into his back as he surveyed his front lawn from the window. He wondered if his son had stepped up and taken care of the yard while he was away. It was apparent they were having this conversation and they were going to have it now whether he wanted to or not.

"I understand if you had enough of the job, but your family, Elliot?" He couldn't help but feel as if he were being scolded. "How do you walk away from these kids?"

"I didn't walk away from the kids. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be what they needed until I figured out what I needed. They understood. I'm willing to bet they understand even now." He felt his pulse begin to pick up as he prepared for battle with his wife over him abandoning his life.

"So?" She was going to push until she got the answers she was looking for.

"So what?" He intentionally provoked her.

"Did you figure out what you needed?" Oh yeah. She was definitely getting aggravated with him.

"You made me come home before I was ready." His delivered the low blow with a sneer he knew pissed her off in the past.

He watched as his exasperated wife began to pace. That was never a good sign. She stopped suddenly causing him to look up to meet her glare. "Did Olivia know where you were?"

He knew she always brought up his partner whenever they fought, but he still was taken off guard a bit. He wasn't ready to discuss Olivia with his wife. He pondered over how much to tell her. He wanted to just spit it out. Tell her everything. How he called her to come to Florida. How he needed to see her to decide if he could continue in the career he worked so hard for. How they drank together and how safe he felt with his feelings around her. He wanted to tell her how he was a bastard toward her and forced her to make a decision. He wanted to tell his wife how she would've walked away had he not forced her hand. It wasn't his partner's fault that his marriage had been dead for years now. Despite that very strong fact, he knew his wife would insist it was.

"She didn't. Not until I called her." Here we go…game time.

"Of course you'd call her. I figured she'd known the whole time and that she was just lying for you when I called her." Kathy's glare lost some potency with her words.

He was surprised. Olivia never mentioned Kathy calling her. "She didn't know, nobody did until I called her a few days ago. Don't you get it, Kath. I needed to figure things out. I couldn't do it at work, here with the kids, with you."

He watched as the realization crossed her face. "You couldn't confide in me, but you were able to confide in her. Why doesn't that surprise me?" Her voice raised an octave and he knew she was struggling to stay angry.

"We've been over this a hundred times. She sees what I see. She knows the toll the job takes on us. She was there in the God Damned squad room when I blew that kid away!" His voice finally matched his emotions. He was pissed that he had to continuously explain to her why Olivia was such an important part of his life.

He sat back down on the couch with his head in his hands. He could feel her sit down next to him, but she didn't touch him. That was good, he didn't want her to. He was angry with her, but he could never hate her. He just wanted her to understand. Why couldn't these women understand what was going on with him.

"I'm sorry, Elliot. I hate that I can't be what you need. Never have been able to be what you needed." He looked her in the eye when he registered acceptance in her voice. Maybe he should've talked to her more. Maybe he would've realized she had had enough of his world

"Kath, I'm not returning to SVU. I don't know what I will do, but I can't go back there." It felt good to unload such an announcement, but he knew it would never be as simple as that.

"Okay. Does Olivia know?" Her question surprised him even though it shouldn't have.

"She does now. She's already been reassigned." He heard the defeat in his own voice as she answered her honestly.

They sat in silence together on the couch, neither reaching out to touch the other. He listened to the wall clock as it reminded him about the time. He stopped and started three time before finally blurting out what he felt needed to be said.

"She tried like hell to convince me otherwise. To just come home to my family and let the rest work itself out. Seeing her only confirmed that I had made the right decision not to go back."

The silence he received from his wife made him anxious as he realized just before she spoke what he had said. "She came to see you?"

He once again answered a question without answering at all. Silence filled the room once more as things began to unravel in his mind. He turned to face his wife hoping she would accept what he was about to say without too much drama.

"I asked her to. I needed to see her." He paused as he watched Kathy take in his words. "She was only inches from one of the many bullets that flew threw the squad room that day. It could've easily been her…shot dead." His words trailed off as he finished his statement.

"How's that any different than from any other day?" He could tell she was realizing what he was trying to say to her.

"It's really not. I just…just…realized that I can't deal with the what if's any more." He hoped his answer would suffice, but had a sinking feeling it wouldn't even come close.

"Elliot, do you love her? Are you in love with Olivia?" She would get her answer one way or the other he knew, so he figured it was best to play it straight.

"I have loved Olivia for a long time, yes." His words were delivered strong but wavered as he continued. "I just didn't realize how much until…lately." He set his eyes on his hands as he waited for her to explode. He was uncomfortable as she sat silently staring at her own hands.

"Does she feel the same way?"

He shrugged searching for an answer that would end this conversation. "Not sure. She's plenty pissed at me, I'm sure for abandoning the partnership." He didn't love his wife anymore, at least not like he should to call her his wife. Even so, he hated lying to her. He knew how Olivia felt about him. There was no denying it when their bodies were united the same way their minds had been for years. He could never mistake how she felt about him by the way she kissed him throughout their night together.

"Elliot, is she the reason you're not returning to SVU?" He knew the true question she wanted an answer to lied within the safer one she asked. He didn't want to lie, knew he couldn't pull it off anyway. He turned so that his eyes locked with hers. And that was all she needed. His heart broke just a little more as he watched a single silent tear roll down his wife's cheek.

"I'm sorry, Kath." He mumbled his words knowing that they wouldn't be accepted.

"Are you, Elliot? Are you sorry for sleeping with your partner? I may be wrong here, but I don't think you are." She had a right to be angry. He felt as if he would have to take every blow she threw at him.

"I'm sorry for hurting you." He was in no way sorry for sleeping with Olivia. He just hated that they would have to pay such a high price.

He watched as she struggled to keep her emotions in control. She had just learned that her husband had had an affair on her with the one woman she feared the most. He knew how she felt about Olivia, despite all that his partner had done to save his marriage over the years. He owed it to his wife to let her call the shots at this point, so he sat quietly and waited.

"She knew you were in a bad way and she just moved in. I really thought she respected you more than that." Anger, okay this part was expected.

"It wasn't like that at all." More mumbled words.

"So tell me, Elliot. What was it like?" Now she wanted to make him squirm. All within her rights.

"I pushed her. She would've walked away because she does respect me and my marriage, but I pushed."

"She couldn't have said no? She's a lot stronger than that, I'm sure." Kathy wasn't buying what he was selling and he knew at this point it really didn't matter.

"I knew how she felt about me, despite her never acting on her feelings. I pushed her, not really giving her a choice." He wasn't sure if he was helping or hurting the situation at this point.

"So…you forced her to sleep with you? You raped your partner?" He heard the slight laugh in her words as she spit them at him.

"I would never do something like that." He was done now. He got to his feet and headed for the door. He turned to face his angry wife. "I would like to see my kids tomorrow. And I will be moving out of the house over the weekend."

"That's fine, Elliot. I'm sure your precious partner will have room in her bed for you." He took her snide remark, what choice did he have. He had shit on his wife and hadn't bothered to hide it from her. He had abandoned his partner once he slept with her. His life was in a definite downward spiral and he wondered if her would ever be able to climb out.

He made it out into the early morning hours. The night time darkness was once again soothing to his bleeding heart. He had to hear her voice, it was as if he were addicted to it. It gave him something that he needed even if he couldn't define it. He dialed and waited wondering if she would answer his call.

"This is Detective Olivia Benson of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit…."

No, she wouldn't answer his call. He hurt her, he knew that much. He hurt his wife too, he definitely knew that. He walked off through the familiar streets of his neighborhood. His car sat in the driveway where he had left if weeks ago. He wanted to walk. He knew she walked all the time when things were too much. How the hell did she handle life the way she did. How did his partner handle this job for so long without breaking? How long would she shut him out?


	12. Chapter 12

Partner Come Home Chapter 12

I don't own…

She could feel every muscle as they worked against her in her attempt to pull herself from the bed. She felt like she hadn't slept in days and the reality was she hadn't. Not really, not like she should've. Her thoughts were immediately of her visitor of a few hours ago and how her mind was consumed with him as she tried to sleep. She tried to remove herself and her feelings from the equation. Her partner was in such a bad way that he was willing to risk his career, his partnership and his marriage. He called on her to help him, to bring him back from the edge and all she could do was push him over. She couldn't help him and that frustrated the hell out of her.

She willed her body to carry her into the bathroom. She had to report to work and to her new partner. She was in no hurry to see Detective Shouder as he only emphasized the fact that she would be working without her true partner. Her eyes glanced at her face in the mirror and she sighed louder than she expected herself to. She just didn't make mistakes like this. She worked the magic with the make-up but to no avail. She would have to wear the fact that she was struggling to perform without him.

The everyday commotion of the busy squad room actually made her head ache as she made her way to her desk. She slowly lowered herself into her chair and carefully placed her purse in her bottom drawer.

"Good Morning, Partner." Shouder's voice caused her muscles to tense as she pressed her lips together to avoid the bitter sarcasm that was just waiting to be unloaded on her unsuspecting colleague. She glanced at him catching the exaggerated grimace as he took in her war wound from the previous day. "Sleep good?"

Was he trying to piss her off or was he just oblivious to the emotional turmoil that threatened to ground her for good. "Slept just fine…thanks." She hoped she was able to speak without to much disdain in her voice.

"Met Stabler last night. Guy seems like he could be an ass." Shouder? Really?

"Can be, sometimes." She wasn't having this conversation. "Cragen got anything for us? If not, I may take a sick day."

"Don't know, haven't seen him yet. Head hurt?" He was pushing her, that much was obvious.

"I'm fine. Why are you so concerned with how I slept or if I have a headache? It's rather annoying." Yeah, she felt like a pissing match right about now. What better way to start off a new partnership.

"We're partners now, I'm supposed to be concerned with how you are…"

"And if I can do my job." She raised an eyebrow at him and could see him give up the game.

She watched his eyes as they followed movement behind her. She turned to see Kathy Stabler approaching her. She quickly got to her feet dreading her reason for the visit. She could feel her eyes water as her face stung where contact was made. She barely managed to get her hand up in time to block the next attack. She watched Shouder grab Kathy by the arms to stop her assault on his new partner.

"You bitch! I trusted you and you lied to me." Kathy's words were sharp and cut right through her already shaky psyche. She motioned for Shouder to release Elliot's wife and waited for the onslaught to continue.

"Kathy…" She didn't know what she would say to her, but the bottom line was she had slept with this woman's husband. Never mind why, she had and she deserved whatever she had coming.

"You knew all along where he was. You knew and you went there. I asked you, Olivia. I asked you and you lied to me!" Anger mixed with grief was evident in her words and she slung them in Olivia's face.

"No, Kathy, I didn't. Not until he called just a few days ago." She wondered what Elliot had told her, it was obvious he had gone home once leaving her place last night.

She watched as Kathy scanned the squad room as if looking for something. "Where was he? When he shot that girl?"

"What?" Kathy had managed to throw her off her axis once again with a question that didn't make much sense, at least not yet.

"Where were you?" Kathy's attention was once again directly on her as it was apparent she wanted an answer. She glanced up at Shouder wondering if he had put the pieces together yet.

"Elliot was behind his desk, where Detective Shouder is now. He was using the desk as cover." She watched as Kathy's eyes took in her partner's desk and then darted back onto her. She could tell Kathy was waiting for the answer to her second question.

"I was right here, trying to help Sister Peg who had been shot." She stepped away from her desk, hating Kathy for putting that awful scene back into play. She waited not wanting to give anything up, not until Kathy asked.

"Where was the girl?" Now she was pushing it. She sighed out loud obviously frustrated with having to map out the entire scene.

"Kathy, why? Why do you need to know all this?"

She watched as Elliot's wife fought with her choice of words before unloading on her. "He tells me he was afraid she would shoot you next. That he reacted in a way to protect you. My husband has been gone for six weeks because he refuses to deal with what happened here." She couldn't help but feel for the woman. This job demands so much that she could only imagine how hard it was for him to continue to give at home.

She nodded as she slowly made her way over to where Jenna was, where he was as he held the young girl as she died. She watched Kathy's expressions as she tried to envision what had happened that day. "Didn't he tell you anything?" Her words seemed to remind Kathy she was angry.

"He said he had to shoot a young kid because she started shooting in here. He said her mother had been gunned down and she was upset." Kathy waited for Olivia to return to her original spot by her desk before continuing. "He didn't tell me how he was coping, he didn't tell me where he was going, he didn't tell me how long he'd be gone. He didn't tell me he called you and he didn't tell me he asked you to come visit him."

She could feel her pulse rate pick up as she chanced at glance at Shouder. Cragen had emerged from his office at the sight of Elliot's wife but hung back as he listened to the exchange between the women. "Kathy, I didn't know where he was until a few days I ago. I swear I would've told you. I thought I could help him. This whole thing was such a traumatic experience…"

"Save it, Olivia. He told me." She could feel the dread consume her. Not only did his wife know, her colleagues would as well. "He told me how you went to Florida and how you helped him. How you helped him decide to end his marriage." She was surprised at Kathy's words, fully expecting to be blasted for sleeping with her husband. She caught the movement in time, grabbing Kathy's arms as she moved in to attack. She spun her around and pushed her down face first into her desk. She was careful not to hurt her, but firm nonetheless.

She leaned down to speak into the other woman's ear. "You can't do this, Kathy. You can't come in here assaulting me like this."

"Olivia, why? Why didn't you walk away. How could you do this to me, to him?" She could hear the tears in Kathy's voice and was thankful to her boss for dispersing the crowd. Even Shouder went for coffee leaving the women as alone as possible in the busy squad room.

She pulled Kathy upright and turned her to look into her eyes. The pain she saw was enough to make her own chest tightened to the point she struggled to breathe. "Kathy, I'm sorry. I only went to help him. To talk him into coming home. You've got to believe me."

She watched carefully as Kathy appeared to calm down. "What happened to your eye?" This woman was definitely a mess. Again, she pulled the conversation off track.

"Where is Elliot now?" She wasn't going to answer about her face. She knew Kathy didn't really want to know how she couldn't focus without her former partner.

"I don't know. I figured you'd know. He left last night telling me he's moving out of the house this weekend." Kathy rubbed her arm where Olivia had restrained her causing the guilt to multiply. "It's over, Olivia. Our marriage is over."

"I'm sorry. I really am sorry, Kathy. I don't think me going to see him is what caused him to want out. He told me neither of you had been happy for a long time." She tried to find a way out of this conversation.

"That is true, but that doesn't give you the right to move right in. He is still married." Kathy's words felt like a sharpened blade as they cut into her. The tears started then replacing the anger. She moved to lean against her desk, directly next to Kathy. She moved close to speak directly into the distraught woman's ear.

"I know it doesn't. I, we made a huge mistake. I am sorry, Kathy. Really sorry."

"He said you tried to walk away, but he pushed. He said he made you sleep with him." Kathy looked her in the eyes searching for an answer. She sucked in a tired breath as she fielded Kathy's words. He was protecting her once again. She wondered if he would ever stop trying to protect her.

"He wouldn't do that, not like you're thinking." This was way too uncomfortable. "Listen, I promise I will call you when I find Elliot. I need to get back to work now." She was suffocating and knew it had to be obvious to all around.

"No, don't call. It's over. It's okay." She watched as the defeated woman made her way out of the squad room. She slumped down in her chair, cradling her head in her hands. How she was not expecting what had just happened. Kathy had every right to lay into her and she had started to. She was feeling guilty as hell, more so than she already was.

"I'm assuming that was the old partner's wife?" She wondered if Shouder's voice would always grate on her nerves.

She looked up at him without giving an answer and headed to grab some coffee. "Benson." She was actually grateful for Cragen's familiar beckoning call. She forfeited the coffee and headed into his office without her new partner. She closed the door at her boss' order and waited for what she was sure was coming.

"Everything okay?" She made eye contact with his question. He knew it wasn't and she knew he wouldn't pry any more than necessary. "Well, your presence is requested at the one eight."

"Why?" She had no business with the precinct out of Queens.

"It appears you former partner had a pretty rough night last night; bar brawl in Queens. He was arrested, refusing to give his name. You know the drill from there." Cragen watched her expression change with his words. "They're not charging him as a favor. It's you or me that has to fetch him out of the tank."

She surely didn't want to be the one to spring him. Today had been hell already and it wasn't even nine a.m. Cragen's words shook her as he ordered. "Take care of it, then take the rest of the day. I'll give you the day on account of injury." He motioned towards her face.

"I'd rather work, sir." She knew he wouldn't change his mind.

"It's an order." He left her alone in his office as he made his way out with a new case for her partner.

She grabbed her purse from her desk drawer and headed out. Her heart raced at the thought of seeing him after last night. Her minds was spinning after her encounter with his wife. Everything was a mess right now and he was sitting in jail waiting on her. Cragen didn't give her much room to protest. It was if he knew they had to clear the air, as if he knew she was struggling with Elliot's decision to quit.

She wondered just how much of Kathy's tirade was heard by her boss. She knew Shouder heard it all, but she hoped Cragen hadn't. She sat outside of the one eight, trying in vain to control her heart from pounding out of her chest. Maybe Cragen knew more than he was saying. He knew she would need the rest of the day after this and she was certain he didn't think it was because of her black eye.


	13. Chapter 13

Partner Come Home Chapter 13

I don't own SVU…

She made her way up the steps and entered the one eight. The sounds that rang through her head weren't much different than those at her own precinct. She didn't expect them to be. She asked and was directed to the captain's office. She briefly wondered who owed who, deciding to go with Cragen cashing in on a favor. She wanted her mind to be on something trivial; something that didn't really matter. She was waved in upon approach and entered.

"Detective Benson, pleasure to meet you." She took hold of the captain's outstretched hand.

"Likewise. I'm here in place of Captain Cragen." She really wasn't in the mood for the pleasantries, but he did do them all a big favor.

"Your partner isn't in the best mood as you could imagine." Olivia watched as the aging man made his way out from around his desk. "We didn't charge him, once we found out who he was that is."

"Thank you, sir. Stabler's been dealing with a lot lately." She found herself looking at her feet as if she were the cause of him finding himself in such a predicament.

"He's in a holding cell; already been processed out. Get him out of my house, will you?" Olivia thanked Cragen's friend and made her way out of his office and to the holding area.

She showed her badge to the officer at the desk and waited until he was brought to her. She could feel her pulse pick up as she wondered what she would say to him. She wondered what he would possibly say to her. She leaned against the wall, too stressed to sit as she waited. It wasn't long before she saw him as the officer handed him his wallet. She watched him lean over to sign out and then he saw her.

He tried not to react, but then let out an embarrassed sigh as he no longer wondered who it was there to pick him up. He was told Cragen was coming for him, but it didn't surprise him too much to see her, his partner; his former partner. They've been together way too long for judging, so he was fairly certain the look on her face wasn't in any way disappointment. Given the short glance he shot her, he guessed she was worried, upset. He took his time as he turned towards her and slowly began to close the distance.

"I thought Cragen would come." His voice was deep, tired, hung over.

She shrugged as she pushed herself off the wall to where she was nearly his height. It helped that his confidence was suffering and his posture reflected just that. "Sent me instead." She had so much she wanted to say to him, but nothing seemed to be the right thing.

She started out of the precinct and he reluctantly followed. He felt as if he were being scolded by her silence. He watched her as she made her way to the cruiser they had shared for so many years. The sun bounced off the roof casting a glow onto her face that his eyes were drawn instantly to. He wondered if she always looked this beautiful or if he was paying more attention now; now that he decided he didn't have to pretend she didn't affect him. He slowly climbed in beside her and began to fasten his seatbelt. He watched as she did the same. He reached out placing his hand on her arm to stop her from starting the car.

"What happened to your face?" His voice was mostly concern, but she could hear the hint of anger that was underneath his words.

"We went over this last night. Don't you remember?" She didn't try to hide the frustration and the anger. She was angry at him, she finally decided she was pissed at him. Not for getting himself into trouble, not for abandoning her and their partnership, not for making her do something she had always wanted to do. She was pissed at him for quitting. She was upset that he let the job beat him and that he felt he couldn't stand up to the animals and monsters that threatened everyday. She was pissed that he used his concern for her as his main excuse. She sighed as he looked away, looking away herself. She wasn't angry at him, she was simply mad that it had come to this. She always thought they'd quit together.

"I remember fine. Twice in two days, Olivia." Elliot stared her down now. "Does Shouder even go with you on calls?"

Olivia glared at him, the heat burning him as she fought the sarcastic comeback that she so wanted to deliver at his expense. "Actually it was at the house. Your wife came to see me."

She watched as the realization settled in at her words. His expression went from confused, to sorrow, to anger. He was obviously conflicted as he struggled with what to say.

"I had nothing, El. I didn't know what to say, what not to say."

"Did you arrest her?" He knew she wouldn't, but he knew his wife. He could only imagine how the conversation went. She didn't answer which told him she hadn't.

"It's over, Liv. I told her last night." He watched her for a reaction, anything other than the game face she so expertly displayed when she didn't want anyone to see inside her. Instead she started up the car. He usually could read his partner, knowing when to continue, when not to. He was lost and it appeared so was she. He decided to let the silence filter the tension as she drove to his home. She pulled in front of his house and waited for him to climb out.

"I don't live here anymore." He informed her as he glanced up towards the house. "Drive."

"You haven't seen your kids in weeks, El. I think it'll do you some good."

"Not now. Drive, please." His voice was empty of emotion as he asked her again to take them away from his house. She began to protest but jumped at the volume as he ordered her once again to drive away.

She pulled away from the curb and headed back out onto the main street. "Where to 'Sir Stabler'?"

He glanced at her directing her to pull into a busy restaurant parking lot. When she stopped he immediately got out and made his way over to her side of the car. She watched him confused. His demeanor was angry, but his eyes were full of pain. The combination was never good and often resulted in danger, but she somehow always felt safe with him. He opened her door and reached around her to unhook the seatbelt.

"What are you doing?" Her voice was full of protest as she quickly put the car in gear.

He grabbed her by the arms, forcefully pulling her out. He shut the door and within seconds had her pinned between the car and his body. His eyes controlled hers as he stared her down.

"Elliot, what are you doing?" Her voice had more give in it this time as she absorbed the pain that poured from his eyes. His mouth was on hers then and she couldn't fight it if she wanted to. She could taste the different emotions as he kissed her with such urgency. He kept her pinned and it wasn't until his hands felt the gun on her side that he pulled back. Reality set in quickly as he took a step back. She was on the job. She was on the job without him, because of him and despite him.

She ducked beneath his arm so that she was now standing by his side. Neither of them spoke, but yet so much was said between them. She watched him carefully as his breathing hitched each time he tried to speak.

"What is it you want me to do, Elliot?" She noticed how he closed his eyes when she began to speak to him. "Do you need to just fuck it out? Didn't exactly help our cause back at the beach now did it?"

He turned letting his eyes focus on hers. "Is that how you see this? Us?" He leaned against the car letting his former partner see the exhaustion that completely consumed him.

She bit her tongue trying to keep from snapping at him. She loved him. She had always loved him and now he had left her. Not only had he left her, he blamed her for it. That's how she saw it and now she was at a complete loss as to how to deal with any of it, or with him. She tentatively placed a hand on his arm as she moved in closer to him.

"No. It's not how I see this. I just don't know what you need from me. I don't know what to do for you." He watched her mouth move as she spoke, waiting until she was finished before looking into her eyes. He shook his head slightly as he gently placed his fingers on her face beneath the bruising. He could tell she wanted to pull away; reflexes, but she stood strong letting him touch her.

"I just want you to understand. I'm all alone out here, Liv." His words were clipped as he fought emotion.

"You're not, Elliot. There are so many people that love and care about you. You're not alone." She grabbed hold of his hand removing it from her face. He felt the strength she hoped to pass to him through her touch. He would like to say that it always worked, but they never really touched before. It just wasn't okay.

"Do you?" He registered the confusion on her face as he wasn't sure if she misunderstood the question or was just plain confused as to what answer to give. "Do you love me, Liv?"

Her thoughts went to his wife and the betrayal she saw in the hurt woman's eyes earlier that morning. She couldn't let him throw away his life because of one case. One mistake. One night. He may not be coming back to the SVU, but there was still a chance he wouldn't lose it all.

"You're not mine to love." Her words sunk as she spoke them. She looked up at him trying like hell to stop the tears that were forming. He had tears beginning of his own and it was then that she realized just how big a mistake they had made. She had gone to Florida to help him, to save him, to bring him home. It seems as if she failed miserably and had only managed to make his life harder.

He stared at her until his tears began to fall. It was if he could read her mind as his expression began to change. He pulled her hand up to his face and used it to wipe the stray tears that stayed on his cheeks. Just as quickly as he began to cry, he stopped. Cleared his throat and let go of her hand.

"Can I have the keys, please." He held his hand out fully expecting her to concede.

"Elliot. You're driving me crazy. What are you doing now?" Despite her questioning protest, she placed the car keys in his hand. He was satisfied as he knew she would do as he asked. She usually preferred that he drive anyway.

The picture they created was so very routine, normal if you will, but the atmosphere was anything but comfortable. She watched as he slid in behind the wheel and pulled out into traffic. He had somewhere to be and didn't feel the need to explain despite her questioning glances. She was content to ride in silence, frustrated with his sudden mood changes. She knew they were heading back to the one six by the route he chose but decided against asking him why.

Once parked, he pulled the keys from the ignition and held them out to her. He waited for her to reach for them before grabbing her hand with his. He realized his grip didn't need to be firm as she didn't pull away from him. He let his thumb feel her skin for a few seconds before looking into her eyes. He pulled away after a few silent seconds and exited the car. He waited for her to climb out as well, but walked off quickly without her. She watched him as he made his way into the precinct. It was obvious to her that he didn't want her to enter with him, so she took a few minutes before entering herself.

Shouder glanced up as she sat down at her desk. "Thought you were taking the day off?"

"So did I." She let her eyes travel the squad room before landing on Cragen's office where she knew he must've went.

"Stabler's in with Cragen. In case you were wondering." She watched as Shouder kicked his feet up on the desk and then studied her. She didn't bother with a response. After a few moments, Shouder realized she was as confused as she looked. He stood and carefully made his way over to her desk where he took a seat.

"Are you going to be able to do this, Olivia?" She couldn't help but be moved by the genuine concern in her new partner's voice. He watched her as she simply shrugged, not trusting her voice at the moment. Her eyes followed her partner as he knelt down in front of her.

"I take partnership seriously, as I know you do. I don't want to be in your personal business, but I'm going to ask anyway. Are you sleeping with Stabler?" Shouder returned to his seat on her desk and crossed his arms over his chest. She eyed him as she wondered what consequences could come to her at her admission that she had indeed slept with her partner. Her former partner. She hated this.

Her eyes transferred to Elliot as he stormed out of Cragen's office. He summoned her with his eyes and she was quickly on her feet. She followed him to the elevator where he leaned in close.

"Can I crash at your place, just for a little while? I need to sleep." She watched his eyes as they landed on Shouder who had since returned to his desk.

She pulled her keys from her pocket to hand to him. He shook her off reminding her he had a spare. "We need to talk, later." His gaze was intense as she felt herself cringing just a little from the heat of it.

"Okay." She agreed as he entered the elevator.

"By the way, I don't like your new partner." The elevator doors closed on him before she could respond, not that she had a response for him. She slowly made her way back to her desk, knowing Shouder would want an answer. She figured he already assumed, thanks in part to Kathy's visit that morning.

"Tell me we got something, other than paper work." She needed to move, to burn some of the fog away. She sighed when Shouder shook his head from side to side. "I'll be in the gym, if we get a call."

Shouder watched as she made her way to the locker room. He saw her stop as if she remembered something and turn to face him. "It's not like you're thinking." Her voice was nowhere near strong and he couldn't help but feel for his partner, even though he knew she didn't want him here.


	14. Chapter 14

Partner Come Home Chapter 14

She was both frustrated and relieved that crime seemed to be taking a break as she pulled a change of clothes from her locker. She had worked out long and hard trying in vain to burn off the guilt that still ate at her. She felt refreshed, yet her head and heart were still clouded by life as it was now. She tried to keep her mind off of the discussion he had suggested they have later, but found it impossible. He was definitely angry when he left, or maybe just shorter tempered than usual. She longed for the time when communicating with him was simple; comfortable.

She entered the squad room finding take out on her desk. Shouder looked up as she approached. "Wasn't sure what you liked, but figured I couldn't go wrong with a burger." Shouder was trying and she definitely appreciated his effort.

She sat down at her desk, moving the bag aside before looking straight at him. "I know I haven't exactly made things easy for you here."

"It's all good." Shouder flashed her a smile. "I get it's been tough."

She opened the bag pulling the burger out. She had to admit she was hungry. Cragen's booming voice destroyed her appetite before she could even unwrap her lunch. "I thought I told you to take the day off."

Shouder shot her a good luck look from across the desks as she stood to face her boss. "Since you're here, Benson, Shouder, rape-murder, uptown." He dropped the address on Shouder's desk giving her a frustrated look as he turned to head back into his office.

He looked around her apartment after letting himself in. He could tell she hurried out the door that morning just by how certain items were left. He was trained to pick up on details. He doubted she would appreciate him retracing her morning steps after such an emotional visit the night before. He relaxed into her couch grabbing the remote on his way down. He doubted he'd see much, but couldn't stand the sounds of quiet.

He let his thoughts be of his former partner as he picked up her scent throughout the apartment. She always had the best taste in perfume; always smelled good, never over-doing it. He let himself smile as he recalled their passionate night together. He refused to address the pain and frustration that was to follow. He just wanted to enjoy her again as he closed his eyes. Her intoxicated state made her movements off balance, yet it in no way lessened the impact her body had on him as she relaxed into him. She told him more than once that she loved him. Drunk or not, he knew what he heard her say to him. He could almost feel her soft skin as his hand slowly ran over her back as she matched his pace.

The sound of sirens pierced his memory as he startled awake. He wondered how she ever managed to sleep in the city. He definitely preferred the suburbs for this very reason. The city never sleeps and he doubted she did much either. He glanced around the quiet apartment as the sun began to set. The shadows on the wall gave her apartment an eerie feel as he listened to the faint sounds of her neighbors returning home from work, school or wherever everyday people return from. He felt frustrated that his dream was interrupted, but a bit relieved as well. He glanced at his watch realizing that she would hopefully be arriving soon. He needed to see her, wanted to touch her. He was plenty anxious as he made his way into her bathroom to hunt down some aspirin for his throbbing head. He deserved the hangover that was settling in and he cursed himself for making his life so much harder. His and everybody else that happened to be in his life at the time.

Shouder was relentless as he insisted they move from witness to witness, lead to lead on their latest case. Olivia was running on empty by this time as she paused to catch a glimpse of the sun setting against the west skyline. She allowed her mind to take her back to her brief stay in Florida with who she was still referring to as her partner. She figured he watched such a sunset each day he was away and felt a bit of envy for his ability to leave it all behind.

"Where'd you go?" Shouder's voice grated into her thoughts as she cursed out loud for zoning out enough to be startled by her new partner.

She refused an answer, instead opting for a much safer topic. "I think we're done here for today."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Just need to head back to the hospital." Shouder knew she had forgotten about the vic she had made a promise to. He was correct as her shoulders dropped as she realized how late it had gotten.

"Just drop me off, I'll find my way home." Olivia never forgot the victims. It wasn't who she was and why she did what she did. The job, the case, the vic, they all came first. He was causing her mind to wander constantly and it was effecting her work.

"Would Stabler leave you?" Olivia glared at Shouder as she wondered if his question had a double meaning.

"Yes." Her answer held the same double meaning as she turned her attention to the passing scenery from her window.

He wanted to call her, it had gotten late and he was growing more and more anxious by the minute. He knew all too well how quitting time was usually nothing more than a fantasy in their, or her line of work. He paced through her apartment taking in who she really was by how she lived. He grew frustrated as the picture that was painted was nothing like her. He knew she didn't spend much time at home, so anything he was able to conclude wouldn't be entirely accurate. There were many things about her that weren't easily decipherable.

She knew how much these women counted on her but rarely did she allow the responsibility to disable her. She struggled to keep her mind with the young traumatized woman as she listened to every detail of Wendy's terrible ordeal. A sharp mind would dissect her painful words, looking for any clue that would lead them to her attacker. She walked from the woman's room, wondering if she comprehended it all.

"Liv, let's go." Shouder's voice felt like a swift blow to her head as she was forced to focus on him now. She didn't bother to ask where as she fell in with her new partner, matching his pace out to their car. She didn't bother to check the time, her body's fatigue a good enough indicator.

"It seems lover boy has called us. He's at Wendy's house, demanding we bring her to him." Shouder didn't care what time it was. This was his chance to prove his worth in his new unit and he refused to blow the opportunity.

"Wendy's not leaving the hospital for a while, not after the damage he did to her." Olivia's voice was full of irritation.

"It's a hostage situation. He's holding her sister, threatening to hurt her if we don't bring Wendy to him." Shouder had more, but was concerned with his partner's reaction.

She rubbed the back of her neck as she could feel her muscles tighten. Her mind was already on overdrive as she thought briefly about calling Elliot. He wanted to talk; she wanted to talk to him. She couldn't help but feel as if she were on a roller coaster that wouldn't stop. She was thankful for Shouder's silence as he drove. It gave her time to sort out her thoughts.

"I'm assuming hostage negotiation is on scene?" Shouder was pleased to see Olivia join the game.

Shouder shook his head. "He wants to talk to the lady cop who showed up earlier. He described you, Liv."

She felt her body tense at the threat. She was not a hostage negotiator and she surely didn't want to be responsible for the little sister's safe release. Her mind began to spin and she found herself envying Elliot's ability to walk away. She jumped slightly as her partner tapped her shoulder. She propelled herself from the car and went through the motions of strapping on the Kevlar vest. She took a few minutes to clear her head before joining her partner as he was being briefed.

She forced herself to focus on the lead negotiator as he spoke. He seemed to speak to Shouder, only making eye contact with her when he paused. She hated that, but didn't care to challenge it. She stood attentively, waiting for word on their plan of action. She was quick to shoot down his mention of bringing Wendy to the scene.

"No. She's traumatized, and hurt bad. The last thing she needs is to be subjected to this circus." Olivia stood her ground, causing Shouder to fall in behind her in agreement.

"Then it's up to you, Benson to get that little girl out safely." Olivia dodged the captain's finger as he attempted to drill it into her vest. "He wants you to bring her here, or he hurts the girl. He's already murdered once…that we know of."

Shouder moved into her line of vision as the captain walked away. "You up to it?"

"It's my job, so I have to be." Olivia tightened her vest and checked her service revolver. She was going to have to talk or shoot, there didn't seem to be much grey area involved.

He gave in and dialed her number. He was frustrated when there was no answer. It was quickly approaching ten p.m. and he knew something was up. She would've called him to cancel at least if her reason for still being out was routine. He called the precinct hoping Cragen lowered the boom on last minute paperwork. He once again hung up in frustration when told she was out at the moment. This is precisely why he wanted her to quit with him. The worrying had taken it's toll on him and it frustrated him even more that she didn't seem to accept it. He didn't think to ask for Shouder when he called the house, but was told the same thing when he tried again. They were definitely out on a call.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't stand the way his heart pounded against his chest as he attempted to wear a path in her living room carpet as he paced. Her and this job were about the only thing he had left anymore and his job was now gone. Cragen didn't say as much, but he did say he would have to move on from the one-six. He needed to pursue therapy as the department felt he required something ongoing. Elliot knew he needed help. Whether he left the force was up to him, leaving SVU was not. Whether he left his wife was up to him, leaving Olivia was not. He couldn't lose her now and he refused to allow the fear of just that to paralyze him. He called again, this time slamming the phone down when her recording kicked in.


	15. Chapter 15

Partner Come Home Chapter 15

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

She felt herself struggling to stay focused on the task at hand. While the stressful situation was just another part of her job, it was anything but routine. Her hands were sweating slightly and her exhaustion was evident as she tried to ignore the pressure in her head. The house was surrounded in no time with several members of the NYPD's various units. SVU normally didn't have a role in these standoffs, but for when they were specifically summoned.

"I don't like this." Shouder's voice did little to distract her as she kept her focus on the house, watching for any movement, hoping for a possible surrender. "You okay?"

"I'm not the one being held hostage. Or the one laid up in the hospital. I'm fine." She didn't intend for her voice to sound so insensitive, so callous. She was just so tired of people, suspects, thinking they could control things with threats, violence. She turned to face her new partner, giving him a small apologetic look. Her old partner would never had asked such a question. He would've known she wasn't alright with this. He would've known simply by her posture, her demeanor. It wasn't Shouder's fault. She constantly had to remind herself that her new partner didn't ask for all of this. He was assigned to her unit, assigned to replace him, assigned to her.

She watched the interaction between the hostage negotiator and the suspect as the swat team positioned themselves around the house. She felt the pressure building in her chest as the negotiator kept his eyes on her. They were going to send her in soon, whether she wanted to go or not. She had accepted the obligation to protect. To serve and protect. To shoot to kill when necessary. She was so tired of the shooting, the killing, the blood. She was so tired of the wounded, the broken, the missing. She was so tired of fighting, of losing, of surviving…barely.

He stormed into the one-six. He knew better than to over react, this is what she did. This is what they used to do together. They often had to rely on the instincts and his were screaming at him right now. He just needed someone to tell him the call they were on was routine and that he was over reacting. He knew he had been gone for a while and he wanted to believe his instincts could be off a bit. He tried to convince himself of just that, but not when it came to her. His stomach burned danger and he knew she was in the middle of it.

He counted on his time here at the one-six. He counted on his reputation. He counted on the fact that the few officers that were milling around knew how he and Benson were. Together and apart. The desk sergeant left the desk for a necessary break, purposely allowing him access to the call logs. He was thankful for the accurate records that were kept on all incoming calls and cases. He fumbled around the computer log until he found the call that came in nearly three hours earlier. Benson and Shouder's presence was needed at the scene of a child hostage ongoing. He felt his heart rate increase as he knew they would only be there as a connection to an ongoing case. He hated when children were involved in any way. When they were victims, suspects, hostages. Or when they were traumatized young girls without the ability to see past their grief. Victims.

He headed to the address, dialing her phone again. He didn't expect her to answer, in fact he figured she had turned her phone off. He just needed to hear her voice and the familiar speech she had on her voicemail would be enough for now. It would have to be, he knew that.

"Benson." He was startled at the clipped tone of her answer. He was surprised she answered and briefly wondered if the threat was over. He heard several different emotions in her voice and again his instincts gave him the answer he was looking for. It wasn't over, she was on edge and she never bothered to check the I.D. before answering.

He fought with what to say to her and found he was at a loss. He should be with her right now, he should be supporting her. He should be the one arguing with their superiors about what risks they would or wouldn't take.

"El?" He figured she checked her phone.

"Be careful." She closed her eyes at the genuine concern in his voice. She didn't even bother wondering how he knew where she was and what was up. She was thankful he didn't ask if she were okay. She wouldn't lie to him if he had asked. She couldn't; he'd know.

"Always." She didn't want to do this. She wanted to turn to the captain and tell him she was out, but she thought about Wendy and the trauma she had endured earlier that day. She thought about the little girl who had no idea what was going on or the danger she was in. She listened to her partner's breathing on the other end of the line, relishing in the fact that so much was shared even without words. She let her mind take her back to when she listened to the same sound as she rested peacefully with her head on his chest. She missed him, she needed him. She was pissed at him, her married former partner.

"El…" She was suddenly pulled from her emotional rollercoaster by the heavy hands and harsh words of her partner as he forcefully grabbed her phone from her.

"Are you finished with lover boy, because in case you've forgotten we have a little girl in there that's counting on us to get her out." Shouder's gaze was nearly suffocating as she flinched at the feel of his heated breath on her face as he spoke. She stared at her new partner wondering what possessed him to think he could ever put his hands on her in any way. She took a step back, forcing him to release his hold on her upper arm.

"Don't ever touch me." Her words were filled with every emotion she was feeling at the time.

He heard him. He heard her. He heard the blood fill his ears as he drove. He put his hands on her? The familiar rage that often consumed and disabled him was so very present as he drove faster. He heard Cragen's familiar voice then just before the line went dead.

"If you two are done arguing, there's a little girl that need us all." Cragen put his hand on Shouder's chest as if preventing any further action, despite the fact he knew there wouldn't be any.

She felt the heat on her face as the strongest emotion right now was anger. She needed him, she needed to hear him, she needed to know that he supported her. Shouder had no right to take that from her, not now especially. She approached the captain at his direction, adjusting her vest as she walked. It was show time, whether she was ready or not.

"He's pissed that we won't bring Wendy to him." She studied the captain as he spoke deciding he agreed with her that it wasn't an option to bring a victim back to her attacker. "He wants to talk to you…alone."

She lowered her eyes knowing she should refuse. Her thoughts were immediately interrupted when the captain spoke again. "Unarmed. He has offered the little girl in exchange."

She blew out a long breath as she looked towards the house. She knew the game. Their suspect figured his demands would be met faster if he had an officer to bargain with. He obviously figured they would respond faster if it were one of their own. He was wrong in his thinking. "Okay, send me in."

He pulled up behind her squad car feeling a slight pinch of guilt at the sight of it. He made his way unobstructed toward the scene where he was instantly greeted by his former boss. "You shouldn't be here."

"I should be here." Cragen knew what his words implied as he allowed Stabler to approach the swat captain. Cragen slightly shook his head in agreement when the other senior officer looked his way. He recognized Stabler instantly. He was her partner and he knew he should have him removed from the scene.

He watched as the hostage negotiator spoke, holding his ear piece in place. She was wired, they had contact with her at this point. The realization did little to calm the nerves that were totally wracking his body. He watched as Shouder argued with Cragen, shooting him disgusted looks form time to time. He knew he would have to deal with her new partner sooner than later; truth be known he couldn't wait.

He watched as she traveled the length of the walkway leading to the house. Her arms were high, more out than up. He knew she was tired, he could see it in her walk. He studied her legs, focusing on her right ankle. She was armed despite her empty holster on her hip. He felt a bit of relief, although not enough to quiet his instincts. This wouldn't end good, how could it?

His eyes stayed on her as if he could protect her in some way. He was supposed to have her back, he always did. Now, all he could do was watch her back as she slowly approached the man that could officially take her from him. He tried to stay in the now, but his mind forced him to remember the feel of her against him. The smooth feel of her skin as she ran his hands down her back. How unfair was this life?

He cursed himself for not believing in her abilities. She was always so good with the victims, the children. She was also very good at talking suspects down, he hated himself for forgetting that point. She was a very capable officer, very intuitive detective and always so sure of herself. Her posture told him different today. She was worried, therefore, so was he.

He heard the negotiator trying in vain to get the suspects attention as she had made it to the door. He then spoke to Olivia. He wasn't focusing on the words so much as her movements. He could tell she was listening to her superior, despite the position she held. Her arms had dropped some and he couldn't help but feel how the tension mounting as the front door opened. He saw the little girl. Even at a distance he could see the fear in the little girl's expression as she looked up at his partner. He waited without breathing to see how this would unfold. He felt as if he had missed something as her body was jerked forward and she was pulled into the house.

He looked toward the swat captain, shaking his head. Now she was in there with this loose cannon and they still didn't have the girl out safely. "Now Benson's a hostage as well. Nice." He spit out his words as he was instantly flanked by Shouder and Cragen.

"Benson's an officer. She'll figure it out, she's good. You should know this." The captain shared a look with Cragen.

"I know she didn't want to go in. She wasn't feeling it." He mumbled his words wishing things were so different right now.

"She could've refused the assignment. If she wasn't focused, she should've refused." The captain countered Elliot's accusations.

"No she couldn't refuse. Didn't you see that little girl?" He waited until the realization settled in before continuing. "So did she. She's focused on helping that girl now."

He felt Cragen's hands on his shoulders as he was led away from the other captain. Shoulder was standing nearby, as if he were waiting for a crack at him. He was up for the challenge without a doubt as he was instantly brought back to the exchange he had with Olivia earlier.

"Why are you here?" Shouder attacked first.

He squared up against her new partner, realizing the slight size difference. "Because my partner needs me." She wasn't his partner anymore, he knew that. He wanted to lash out and who better than the idiot who put his hands on her.

"She's not your partner, Stabler. Remember, you left her." Shouder was pissed and they both knew now was not the time or the place for such a confrontation. "You should not be here."

He watched as Shouder glanced toward Cragen and the two men shared a look. He watched his former boss take a step toward him before turning toward the house.

He felt the shot. He felt the scream. He felt the silence. He felt his legs go weak as Shouder and Cragen left him standing alone several feet from the command area. His eyes focused on the swat captain as he pushed his earpiece into his ear, desperately asking for Olivia to respond. Her scream ripped through his body telling him that something had gone terribly wrong. He continued to alternate his gaze from the captain and the door to the house. Nobody seemed to be moving. Nobody seemed to be doing anything.

His body moved forward without his permission. He was quickly on the other side of the barriers when he felt strong arms haul him back. He turned to see Shouder refusing him access to his partner.

"Get in there!" His words were filled with fear as he hollered at her new partner. He was pissed that nobody was realizing that something had gone terribly wrong.

"We're waiting on the order to move in." He wasn't accepting the passive approach they were all taking to the situation. He turned toward the house again, shaking loose of Shouder's hold. He felt the hard ground underneath him, soon followed by Shouder's weight.

He knew this wouldn't end good, how could it. He heard the gunshot and her scream echo in his head over and over as the cool ground against his face was all that he could feel. He was numb to the reality that his partner was hurt or worse. He was numb that this could very well be the end. He slowly made his way up to his knees when Shoulder released his hold. He looked toward Cragen and locked eyes with his former boss. Nobody knew how close Benson and Stabler were better than this man. It was only fitting that he held the older man's gaze just as another shot rang out.

He closed his eyes despite the shouting for the swat to move in. It was over. One way or the other it was over.


	16. Chapter 16

Partner Come Home Chapter 16

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

He watched as the swat team members and officers, uniformed and plain clothes, made their way into the house. He wanted to go in, he knew she would need him, but he was paralyzed with fear. He heard two shots, two shots that stopped his heart two times. He knew she didn't fire twice, too much time in between the haunting sounds of gunfire. A little girl was at risk and so was she. He realized the scene wasn't much different than his possible career ending shoot. He stood frozen in place, reminding himself to breathe. He knew Cragen would call him if they needed him. He wasn't even supposed to be on scene.

He closed his eyes against the noisy commotion. He could see her as she had been, with him, in Florida. He had hurt her, with his words, with his actions. He had left her and that had hurt her. Why did he always seem to hurt her and why did she take it from him. She was so strong, yet so vulnerable. Her defeated waltz up to the house tonight telegraphed the upcoming events for him. He couldn't shake the despair that began to fill his heart as he waited; waited for someone, anyone to come out of that house.

She struggled to get a deep breath in. There was no negotiating, no talking. His hands had grabbed her hard, jerking her into the house. She had quickly scanned the small room for the little girl who had in a matter of seconds stolen her heart. Her eyes were big and blue, her hair a natural blond color and a face that screamed innocence. Now her eyes were closed and she wore an expression of peace. Their perp never had any intentions of negotiating; at least not with the little girl as his bargaining chip. He wanted to up the ante and trading the little girl for a NYPD detective was his strategy.

She struggled to get a deep breath in as his arm threatened her breathing as it was instantly wrapped around her neck. She felt the cool metal of a gun as it pressed into her temple. He wouldn't give her a chance to negotiate. He asked for Wendy, she had said no. He removed the gun from her temple allowing her to better think. It was in that instant, the little girl collapsed on the floor in front of her. She felt the gun make contact with her head just before she was shoved down onto the little girl. Habit, instinct, training, something made her check for a pulse she knew was not there. It was then that she turned to look at the man who now knew he had nothing to lose. It was over for him, so it may as well be over for her as well.

It had been close, although there would never be a way to know just how close. She fired no sooner than she had felt her fingers grip her hidden piece. He couldn't react, he wouldn't retaliate. It was over for him, she had made sure. But it was too late for the little girl whose last experience would be of violence. Another young life gone, another young life wasted.

She had refused to let go of the girl when help streamed in. She wanted to feel relief, not annoyance, not defeat. She could feel the little girl's blood as it streamed from her body and soaked into her clothing. It didn't bother her that she would wear her blood, it bothered her that there was blood at all. She was so tired of seeing blood.

He slowly made his way up the same walk as she had just moments earlier. He took in the different officers who excited the house, none of whom offered an explanation. He didn't ask, he didn't want to know. Not yet. As long as nobody told him otherwise, it was acceptable to believe she was unharmed. It wasn't until Shouder came barreling out that he found himself needing to know what had happened. He moved directly into her new partner's path, forcing him to address him. He knew they had unfinished business, but he was hoping Shouder would give him the respect he planned on taking.

"He shot her." Shouder's tone was neutral. Very little if any emotion. He watched as Shouder shook his head and began to walk away. It was if he were watching, not reacting as he reached out and grabbed the younger detective's arm. How could he just walk away from her like that? Just like that, like she didn't matter.

"Olivia?" His voice was not his own. He hoped Shouder didn't mean the little girl, he prayed he didn't mean Olivia.

"You need to get in there. It's bad, Stabler." Shouder shook free and continued walking from the scene. Of course it's bad. He turned to face the entrance, he knew his life was on the line. If hers was gone, then she would take his with her.

She rocked back and forth as if the gentle motion might be a comfort to the little girl. She knew she didn't need comforting; not anymore. Maybe the motion wasn't for the girl, but for her. She needed to feel movement, life. She couldn't feel anything yet, her limbs seemed numb as she watched her fingers stroke the girl's hair. Her senses were clouded, she couldn't hear past the gunfire that had happened so quickly; too quickly.

She didn't bother to look up, but she knew her captain was close by. She could sense his protective stance in front of her as he motioned his commands. She could feel the girls blood as it began to seep into her being, she could now feel the tears as they stained her face. It wasn't right, she wasn't ready. They sent her in too soon, they shouldn't have sent her in at all. Wendy would be devastated and it was all her fault.

"I'm so sorry, baby." She stared at the little girl's closed eyes hoping her voice would somehow breathe at least some life back into her. She knew it wouldn't, she wished it could. So she continued to rock, continued to move. She managed to block out the commotion around her and let her mind think of him holding Jenna in the squad room. He had rocked her as well, maybe not so much, but he had rocked her at least a little. It didn't help her either, nothing seemed to help. So he left. Left it all behind. Left her behind.

Then she felt his presence. It always worked that way for them, she felt him before she saw him. She closed her eyes tight, needing to feel him, needing to know he was there. And he was and it was only a matter of seconds before she felt his fingers lightly touch her hand. She opened her eyes, immediately taking in the fear that had filled his.

"The blood's not mine." She remembered how scared he had been when she had said those same words a few years back.

He then used his strong hand to stop her movement. "Can I take her?" His voice was like a blanket, surrounding and protecting them both. She wanted it all to go away, except for him. She needed him more than she would ever admit, more than she had ever meant to. He knew how much she needed him, it was too late to deny that now.

"It's okay." She felt her grip on the child release as she helped place him in her partner's arms. She watched as he carefully passed the little girl off to a medic. He then returned his gaze to hers and she refused to let go of his eyes. He knew what this felt like, he knew how it hurt despite who was at fault. He knew the blood on her clothes very well could've been her own.

"Let's get out of here." She heard his voice, now rough as he pulled her to her feet. He knew where to place the blame and it was not on her; never was it on her. Cragen used his position to keep their superiors away; at least for a few minutes. He knew they would need her statement, she was the only one who knew exactly what had happened. They could wait, they could wait until she was ready.

She felt his hands as they expertly removed the vest from her exhausted body. Her coordination was off, as she had given up trying to unbutton her shirt that was covered with innocent blood He knew she usually wore a tank, so he offered his help. No response told him she trusted him and he proceeded to remove the shirt from her. He covered her with his own jacket, hoping that would be enough to control the shaking she continued to experience.

"Olivia!" Shouder's voice slammed into his head and it was all he could do not to react accordingly. He reached out, blocking her partner's attempts to touch her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Her voice was forced as her words seemed automatic. It was then that she had felt his arms completely surround her as he pushed her head into his chest. They could do this now. There would be no repercussions, no consequences. She finally allowed herself to take in a full breath. She finally allowed herself to breathe him in.


	17. Chapter 17

Partner Come Home Chapter 17

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

He watched her from a distance, she was all business. His position allowed for the uninterrupted viewing of his former partner as she moved from each person that needed or wanted to talk to her. They needed to know exactly what went down in that house and she needed to tell them. Tell them so that this case could be closed and she could get home and rest. He ached for her as she favored her weakened muscles as she attempted to wrap things up. He didn't miss this, not like he thought he would. He didn't miss the jumping through hoops, the shining apples, the day to day politics that came with the job. He didn't miss the wounded children, their cries, their blood. He missed her and everything about her and that fact so strongly covered him as he leaned against his car well away from the scene.

He watched as she continuously dismissed her partner each time he approached her. She would deal with him later, he recognized the impatient gesture she had shown each time Shouder tried to touch her. Shouder needed to be dealt with and as much as he wanted to be the one to explain to him where he went wrong, it really had to be her. He knew this, he didn't like it.

She was ready to collapse; the girl was safe, her sister recovering. It was over. She glanced over and saw him, standing, waiting. He would wait as long as he needed to, she recognized the stance. He knew how these things wound down, she knew he didn't like it, but he knew. He would normally be running interference for her at this point so she could flesh things out in her mind. It was a good shoot, necessary at least. She missed his presence next to her as she worked through the formalities.

The wind was chilly suggesting a storm approaching. It was a welcomed distraction as she let her mind leave the scene, even if just briefly. She could feel his eyes on her as she leaned up against a cruiser. The lights were still flashing and she wondered why; there was no need at this point. It was over. It was over.

She made her way over to him, noticing how his eyes never wavered from where they rested. He looked tired, but not in the same way she was. She was exhausted, mentally, emotionally and as per her usual, physically. She marveled at his new found patience and decided against calling him on it. The wind sent a alarming chill through her body as she found herself moving in towards him.

He promised himself he would wait for her to decide what it was she needed. Her moves suggested she wouldn't last much longer, as she moved in closer to him. He let her hit his chest with her body before wrapping his arms around her; as if he could protect her from the upcoming storm. He knew he couldn't, but he had permission to try. She fit perfectly and he wondered what would become of their friendship, their partnership, their bond. She had a distinct smell that was always so familiar to him. He wasn't sure if it was her shampoo, her perfume, or simply just her. He closed his eyes against the wind gust that threatened them and let her hang onto him. He had to breathe deep as to not react to the thought that he should've let her help him. She would've, if he had asked her to. She would've if he hadn't asked her to. She would've been there for him and he didn't let her. How could he be so stupid?

She could feel the rain begin to fall and within minutes it was assaulting them. He didn't move and she simply held onto him, bracing against the sudden onslaught. It took only seconds before they were both soaked, but still they remained in position. Together. She heard the commotion behind her as the CSU techs scrambled to preserve key evidence they would need for the open shut case.

It wasn't until Shouder made his presence known that she began to pull back from his embrace. He noticed the long glance that burned into his soul just before she focused on her new partner. He read something in her eyes just then that raised his defenses. She wouldn't be leaving with him now, maybe never. She wasn't finished with the day or the job. She communicated with her eyes that she would be in touch but she was needed elsewhere. He knew the look, he knew the job. He knew the feeling. He watched her walk away from him, pushing her wet hair from her face as she did.

She tended to associate love and pain together with power and fear. A distinct struggle between love and need, romance and security. When she loved, she was vulnerable. She found it difficult to love fearlessly.

The sight of him touched off something inside of her. Desire clouds reality; she fought for distance. There was a power in his arms and in his eyes. He was strong and soft, a very arousing combination. Her own needs left her no choice but to respond. This is not what she wanted or expected; a loss of power.

Her own emotions were too strong for her longing needs; fears were crashing down. Sarcasm and denial were her only protection. Being loved is easy, it's the loving that is difficult. How she hated to hurt.

He found himself sitting outside the one-six. He knew she had returned with her partner. He figured she would want to finish the paperwork tonight. He guessed she would do whatever it took to stay busy. His clothes were soaked and he barely noticed the temperature as his body was numb. It was over just like that, before it even began. He only briefly worried about her reaction if he entered. Her message was clear; he knew what she wanted.

She wanted him to need her, but was afraid of his needs. She wanted to be angry with him, but couldn't fight past the need for him. She fought for control even when there appeared to be no need for a struggle. She had passionate dreams suppressed by a conservative protection.

He stood at the entrance to the squad room. She had changed, and he was glad for that. The New York weather was often unforgiving and he worried about her health. He worried about her, even when she decided for them that he would no longer have to. He would always, it's just who he was, who they were.

He had too much power over her heart, body and mind. She gave him her love before, but not her strength. She questioned her strength as well as his. A combination similar to melody and harmony. Her drive and strength made it difficult to remember fragility. Every time he thought he had power over her, he was caught in hers.

There was still a bit of a temper concealed under a cool, sophisticated appearance. A certain coldness that kept pain just far enough away. There was a tendency to look at life from a distance, almost as if watching, not living. There is a need to live, to love, to feel.

She turned to see where he had been. She felt him before she saw him, something she was sure would never change. She had felt him leave and the burning in her chest was then nearly disabling. She convinced herself that this was the way it would have to be. He didn't belong to her. He didn't belong with her. He was her partner until he wasn't.

He said his goodbyes and left again. He had come home, but no longer belonged. He knew it was best that he leave his life as it was behind. His children would always be his world and they would always be welcome. His wife didn't deserve him; she deserved to be treated like a queen and he couldn't and wouldn't. She, his partner, would know where to find him. He knew she would do just that, when she was ready. She called the shots, it had to be that way this time.

I walk along the shoreline, taking in all I can

I wish I could find some answers buried in the sand.

I can hear the surf and smell the salty air

How can this be so beautiful, yet life be so unfair?

The tide rolls in and I let it hit my feet

Wondering why life's mountains are so very steep.

Why are these obstacles so hard to see around?

Where are the answers that can't seem to be found?

It seems so easy, so clear to understand

For every man a woman and every woman a man.

Love can be so strong, but not always strong enough

To get through life that can be so very rough.

For us, love is a dream; a fantasy almost

We had it once as we walked along the coast.

Our love would last forever, it was clear to see

But my mind is full of images, memories that haunt me.

So now I watch the sunset and wonder if you see it too

It's the same sun, seen in this way by only a few.

I watch it very carefully, as it falls below the shoreline

I can't help but wonder how much longer before you'll be mine.

I try not to guess, what if I'm wrong?

You say not much longer, but even that's too long.

I need to see you, hold you close to me

Tell you I love you and hear you tell me.

We're going to make it, you know that for sure

I want to be with you, feel your love once more.

But for now I wait, wait on the next sunrise

For maybe it'll bring answers or just bluer skies.


	18. Chapter 18

Partner Come Home Chapter 18

I don't own...

The words, her words seemed to blur as she read each line as if it were written by a stranger. She felt, at times, as if she were a stranger to herself as time had managed to alter just about every thing familiar. The voice that narrated what she had recently typed was not her own and there really wasn't anything strange about that. She often wondered if she would be granted the decision or if fate would decide for her. Would she know? No longer would she wonder, accepting that sometimes you just had to go with your gut. Instincts. Good, solid, detective instincts. She knew.

She had been right to wait until they were finished. She could never turn her back on a child that managed to invade her soul, like their latest victim did; like they all did. She questioned just how many children could she be affected by and still stand strong for them. How many women pleading with her to erase what would undoubtedly affect them the rest of their lives? How many victims would call her name while she slept, begging for her to rescue, relieve or revisit them. There was always room for more, always just one more.

The little girl was so young, so innocent, and so undeserving of the horror she endured. They found her, she had no doubt they would. They found her and she held her, but only for a little while. Only until it was final and there would be nothing left for her to do but sign the report. She had been alive, stayed alive just long enough to look into her eyes. Just long enough to remind her of the impossible fight she fought daily. She asked herself if the little blond girl had broken her heart and she managed to surprise herself by giving way to the grief that poured from her eyes. The same eyes that begged the little girl to live, begged her to hold on, lied to her as she whispered how it would be okay.

There wasn't room for one more. She recognized the defeated grief, the sharp jabs from the unbeatable opponent; the suffocating pressure that threatened her own survival. Her lungs slammed against her chest, bruising her from the inside and she knew it would only be a matter of time before her heart claimed her soul. She used to wonder if she would know. She no longer wondered.

She arrived early knowing Cragen would be in early; he always was. She wondered if he wanted to get a jump on them or the animals that controlled them. Didn't matter either way, the results often were the same. She figured he probably didn't sleep much, not too many in this unit did. She lingered just short of his office, hoping he wouldn't see her, not right away. She wanted to take him in, just for a few moments, to form an image that she would hold onto. She was certain her final image of him would not be what she would want to revisit. The wave of his hand only made her heart race and she felt the familiar bruising beginning in her chest.

"You're in early. Or is it late, Detective? I don't think you've been early for the better part of a year now." Cragen's voice matched the atmosphere and she wondered if he had any clue as to why she was standing before him. She believed he may have, considering he had the experience on her. Good, solid, captain instincts.

She took a deep breath, preparing to speak only to abandon the effort and take a seat. How many times had she stood before this man and spoke her mind, her feelings, her conscious. She followed the older man with her eyes until he took a seat behind his desk. He knew this was serious, he knew her to always be serious. She was serious early and that only meant this was more than just serious, this was dangerous.

"Talk to me, Benson." Cragen's words made her jump and if her body didn't move her heart did and the sensation burned. Burned bad and there would be no relief even after she talked.

"I am tendering my resignation effective immediately." Her voice was not that of the self-assured detective she had always been or even that of the ambitious, determined rookie she once was. She sounded like a scared little girl and that was the only emotion familiar at the moment.

"I see." Cragen paused longer than necessary wondering if she would speak, leaning back in his chair when he didn't. He would wait until she was ready. He had the time; always had the time for Olivia Benson.

"Aren't you going to ask why?" She wouldn't look him in the eyes; couldn't.

"I'm willing to guess that your reasoning is specified in that letter." Cragen motioned toward the envelope Olivia held with his eyes. "I'm also willing to guess that your reasons are vague, maybe even generic and that is exactly what I expect them to be."

She stared at him then, not sure if she wanted to leave him at his words or explain her decision. She did neither as she braced himself for her captain to continue. She could feel the tears begin to form and if ever she needed the strength to fight them it would be now.

"This last case got to you. Got to you in a way that none of the others had. You have done this for so long that you begin not to feel the sorrow, the grief, and the anger. Your heart can only break so many times before the scarring becomes a shield and it becomes your armour. While you feel for each and every one of the victims, your calling is what keeps you fighting. This little girl, got through your armour, get into your veins, threatened to take you with her." Cragen kept his tone solid as she watched the single tear slowly make it down Olivia's face.

"Captain, I wanted to go with her." Olivia choked on her own words and she spoke her heart and Cragen moved around to the front of his desk.

"Two years, Benson. Two years is the average life span of a SVU detective. It's been thirteen." Cragen cringed inwardly as Olivia looked up, her eyes glistening from the tears yet to fall. "Take some time, leave the unit. Hell, leave the state, but don't leave the force. It's in you. In your blood. It's who you are."

The smile she forced did nothing more than release the tears and she silently cursed herself. She had always worked so hard to control her emotions, prove her strength. She succeeded believing she had to be twice as good just to be considered just as good as her male counterparts, yet here she sat in her supervisor's office crying. That little girl she held didn't even cry; maybe the tears were for her and all the others before her.

She stood on weakened legs and wiped sweating hands on her pant legs. She took another glance at her captain as he held the letter she had worked so hard on. It was important to know what to put in that letter, more important to know what to leave out. She believed she had written it correctly, she hoped she had. He held his hand out to hers and the strength he used when grasping hers told her what he didn't trust himself to say. He passed his strength onto her and with it the hope he had for her.

"Thank you, Sir." Olivia let him hold her hand for a few seconds longer than both of them knew to be professional. She meant so much more to him than just an average detective under his command. She knew this and he knew she knew this.

Cragen watched from his window as Olivia cleared out her desk. It didn't take long; he suspected she had taken care of most of that the night prior. He knew better than to believe she made this decision lightly or that she would change her mind. It hurt her to leave, but they both knew it would kill her to stay. So she packed, leaving nothing but company issued materials and equipment on her desk. She would be gone before Shouder arrived, another one not to come in early unless specifically requested to do so. He would reassign Shoulder, his partnership with Benson not a marriage made in heaven anyway.

She carried her belongings to her car; rarely did she drive her car to the precinct. Today, she knew it would be necessary. She found herself wondering why the box seemed so light when so many years and memories were included in it. She had been the one to clear out his desk. Her partner, former partner, Elliot. She had taken his belongings to his wife, never admitting to the few things she chose to hang onto. They would've meant nothing to Kathy, yet they meant everything to her. They now sat in the box of her belongings as she walked away from all that was familiar.

It had been a long year and she thought of him often. He had made no effort to contact her and she knew this was necessary for the both of them. She was heartbroken by his distance, but she had found a way to set her feelings for him aside. She had to if she were to continue to work, fight, live. She knew he had divorced, his wife taking it upon herself to inform the entire precinct. She knew he had gone back to Florida, his eldest daughter informing her after a brief visit to her father.

She kept her distance as well, making no effort to contact him. She wasn't done here and until she was, she could not risk him or her for that matter. Benson and Stabler seemed so long ago. Their cases not much more than fading memories. Their partnership known to so many as gold. If only the closing percentages showed who they really were. Sometimes she didn't really know. Her thoughts often visited the last time they were Benson and Stabler here in the precinct. She hurt for him that day beyond what her heart was capable of. She thought of the time after that when they were Benson and Stabler in her apartment. When he forced his anger, despair and frustration onto her. When she took it, when she felt him. She thought about when they were Benson and Stabler in Florida when she gave in and loved her partner. She had been with others since, she was entitled. She prayed any of them would help her remove his touch, his scent, his taste. Rarely did her prayers get answered and if they did it was only for a bit as he flooded her senses constantly.

She would leave New York. It was a drastic move, she knew. It was necessary, at least for the time being. She was born and raised in New York, her whole being belonging here, but she wasn't sure exactly who she was here. Here without him. Her car was loaded with only the belongings she cared to take with. Her apartment and furniture, job and career left behind. She would head south for that's where he had headed when he knew he had had enough. She would find him. She didn't know what then, but she had to see him. She knew this; she felt this. She had located his address, he was easy to find. She suspected he wasn't hiding, she figured he would allow himself to be found.

She had gone to him before with every intention of bringing him home. Now she would go to him again, with every hope of bringing him home to her. Maybe New York would no longer be home to either of them, maybe it would always be.


	19. Chapter 19

Partner Come Home chapter 19

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

The world around him was angry; he could hear it, smell it, feel it. The noise almost deafening, but still he could hear the hurt that was hidden within the rain, the wind, the surf. Still he entered, for where else would he go? The air was heavy and hard to breathe in. Thick with the emotion of all that was and all that is. He didn't force it, just breathed through it until he could stand tall, stand straight, stand strong. It wouldn't last long, he was aware of the pain that pulled from every angle. His healing ground seemed so far from reach tonight, but still he willed his body forward.

It was dark, so dark and he embraced his inability to see. He wanted to run, to let the thick air flood his lungs, burn his throat and make him hurt. He wanted a controlled pain, for that is how he has come to survive.

He had to search for the place to start, the surf adjusting his path in response to the storm's fury. He didn't run long, couldn't before he was warned. His skin was soaked with sweat as the humidity was present despite the rain and the wind. He looked up, letting the water run down his face. It was nice for just a few seconds as the pain of his actions reminded him that he was still alive. Still alive and still feeling and it was then that he realized he would never have any control over anything.

He walked then as if he would return to where he started, but he really couldn't tell where that was. He liked being everywhere and nowhere at once. Lost in a sense, but knowing exactly where he was. He was soaked and carefully removed his shirt. Nobody would see how he hurt, not here, not tonight. The darkness was his disguise and he was so very grateful for just that.

He loved it here. He has always loved it here. It helps, it heals. Tonight it hurts.

He invited her here, to share his escape and she had felt it. She had told him that she got it and that she got him. She always got him. He knew this, he trusted this. He turned sideways as the wind forced the rain to come in at an angle. He knew when the wind took a breath for there was a brief delay in how the rain punished his body. Damn, how he hurt. He smiled despite the pain as he remembered her here with him. He smiled despite the pain as he could almost feel her here with him now.

She let the car come to a slow stop, the night coming early it seemed as she had taken her time covering the miles that would lead her to him, their past and an uncertain future. So much time had passed since she heard his voice, saw his face or even felt his presence. She listened to the storm as it raged and could only smile at the irony. She stood in the Florida night letting the tropical extreme welcome her. It wouldn't take long before she would fall willing victim to the elements, pushing her hair back out of her face. She looked up, letting the water run down her face. It was nice for just a few seconds as the sounds of the angry storm didn't scare her, only convinced her that he was out there. Out there and she knew despite the darkness, she would feel him before she saw him.

The night noise weakened her, daily demands had accumulated causing her to fight against what was expected of her in favor of what her body and soul so desperately needed. No demands, no stresses, no pressure; not here, not tonight. It was dark as she approached, even darker as she entered but still her body travels in spite of the damage, the pain and the fatigue. The chaos of the city quickly faded, instantly replaced by the comforting sounds of the pounding surf as it swallows the invisible shoreline.

She closed her eyes allowing the night colors to match what she sees when she allows her mind to accept such beauty. She opened her eyes wanting to see what total peace looked like. It is exactly as she had hoped; dark, so dark that all she could see is what she could hear. What she heard was all she needed.

She listened to the water as it crashed onto the shore. It was loud, but not at all startling. It made the same sound each time it landed not far from her feet, covering then leaving only to come again. It provided a soundtrack of relaxing music suggesting that this could be paradise; could be her paradise if she let it. The sounds surrounded her and she closed her eyes against it. She trusted it not to intrude on her solace; it wouldn't do that. Just accompany, maybe protect even when protection wasn't needed.

The wind was howling, angry almost. It was dark, so dark that he couldn't focus on anything. He didn't bother. The air was threatening almost as it forced him to breathe deeply which only served to remind him of why he felt he needed to come. He felt the damp air settle into his lungs and it reminded him of how tight his chest gets and how broken his heart has been. Yet he stays, knowing somehow he will heal here, despite what the darkness suggests. The sand is cold, he expected it would be damp. It gives under his feet only a bit, supporting without struggle. He wanted to see, but realizes it is not necessary to feel. He feels alone, but he isn't lonely. He smiles only because of the impossibility of such a statement. Loneliness has become a constant for him, irregardless of the crowds of one or more.

His chest was heavy and his back tight. The world gets heavy and before long it crushes desires. No need for words, the wind that he accepts as angry is now comforting. It provides the background for solace. It is so dark, but he can hear what he thinks he needs to see. He can hear her breathing next to him, often feeling her before seeing her. It's comforting to know she is there, despite no proof. Fear of the unknown, fear of the dark, neither an obstacle as they begin. Begin to accept healing alone, together.

As he breathes deeper, he can taste the serenity that is only theirs, even if only for a short time. It is enough he knows, enough to force them both upright, enough to strengthen. Her breathing is labored as her pace is steady, strong besides his. It always was that way with them. He worries she may be hurting, he longed to see her to make sure she was not. He knew his request would eventually be granted when the sun forced it's way through the darkness of an angry night. There was enough natural light that he could see the strength she owned, the strength she gave. It was all there beside him and he was relieved to know that her breathing was only encouragement, not pain, work, or discomfort. Selfless breathing, selfless being.

It was if nobody knew of their world. It was sacred in a way, making it almost fantasy like, yet he knew how real it was. He could feel the sand sinking under his body as the rain has soaked it and them both. He didn't want to leave, he didn't have to. She seemed content to escape as well and he knew he could enjoy the here and now with her for as long as she allowed it. There would be plenty of time later to understand what brought her here this night, this beach. Now, was not about why. Nobody would be out here tonight, the weather daring anybody to visit. They were ignored it seemed, almost if this dark, Florida beach were waiting for them to come alone to be together.

Time isn't measured here, demands aren't recognized and fear is non-existent. Her head is heavy, her body fighting her as she is well aware of the damage that has been done. She would hear it in his voice when he spoke, she knew his pain, experienced his world. This world is so angry and the weight sometimes crushes as it is often too heavy to lift alone. She believed this is why she found him here, why she came here, why they chose to come here alone, together.

The weather is perfect, anything different would be accepted though as he knows how it is here. Perfect. He can hear the waves crashing hard tonight, the sound almost suggesting that the wind disapproved. It's a rough breeze and it invites and encourages, so it is not a struggle to leave the world behind.

She wanted to lie down, didn't matter that there was only loose sand to serve as a blanket. Her body was tired, so very tired and she didn't have to support any more weight if she lied still. She stared up at the sky, it was dark, nothing to see but a few seemingly displaced stars. They reminded her that there was no need to look, to watch, to protect or guard. There was only a need to feel, to accept and to believe. She knew he was there with her. She felt him beside her. She felt him surrender his stresses when she took her place in the sand beside him. Her place had always been beside him.

The surf slows a bit, as if on cue to match her breathing. It was not any angry, crushing landing, the water as it threatens to reach them with each pass. It didn't, it wouldn't and somehow she knew this. It was easy to trust here, she quickly learned just that. She wanted to stop breathing, just for a few seconds. She wanted to hear him breathe deep. She needed to know for sure that he could, that his soul was accepting of the elements, the healing, the company. She heard him, heard him surrender and it helped her to do the same. The pain that had a hold of her every being was swallowed by the sea, leaving her content to just lie still. She prayed it had done the same for him. She loved the darkness, the unknown never as scary as what they've come to know, come to expect, come to fear. It's the darkness that so often protects and she felt it doing that now. She fought against the urge to touch him, to prove to herself that he was truly real, that he was really here beside her.

She startled as she felt his hand on hers, not realizing that he may have needed that same contact, that same reassurance. She startled, but was not scared. Never scared, no fear. His touch was comforting and the heat from it was soothing, healing, never burning. She hoped that he had received the same from her, that she was able to give him a sense of calming peace with a simple, reassuring touch.

She was strong, he loved that she was. Her body so exhausted and he felt the fatigue she fought with her every day. He could see her despite the darkness of the night, not caring what time it was. Her eyes were dark, almost black against the absence of light, but never soulless. He could see deep within her through her eyes, she had so much to say, so much to share and it was all right there. One just had to know where to look, how to look; he did.

He could lie here forever, yet he knew they were only afforded a small amount of time, a small amount of time together. He believed that here, their wounds and pain didn't exist. He prayed they could hang onto this peace for just a while longer, hoping to keep the angry, demanding world from draining them of what they so desperately needed, so definitely deserved. He smiled at her, hoping for one in return. He hoped she would feel it in her soul and he believed she did. Her eyes actually smiled when she looked at him. Her smile reached her eyes and he knew with that they were good.

He knew that when she smiled through her eyes, she was feeling at least some relief from a demanding world, a lonely existence. He wondered if he had ever seen her eyes smile. Really smile. He's seen them look at him, but he has never seen them let go. He doubted he would ever get the chance to see such a sight outside of their here and now. He could only hope that he would someday be able to get her to let go in such a way that her smile reaches her eyes. It is a wonderful feeling, or so he had been told.

He worried his voice would disrupt the tranquil perfection they shared, yet as his lips closed in toward her ear, he knew she was expecting to hear him. "Why'd you come?"

She closed her eyes, letting his voice travel the length of her body. She hesitated with her answer, fearing a response would cause him to pull away. The wind did little to prevent his breath from reaching her face and she turned slightly accepting how close his mouth was now to hers. "I needed to."

.

.


	20. Chapter 20

Partner Come Home Chapter 20

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

**A/N: The sun is hot but the sand doesn't burn your feet. It instead is inviting and surprisingly strong. It not only invites you, it holds you upright. So strong despite it's softness against your skin. Go ahead, lie down, relax. You've earned it, you deserve it. Remember, it doesn't burn. Doesn't burn, doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts. The sun's rays here at Madiera only help; only heal.**

He let the wind surround them almost as if it was a barrier against anything and everything; he let the closeness of their bodies tell the story of their world. His lips were close as he moved slightly so that he was sure she could hear what he wanted to say; what he felt he needed to say to her.

"You can leave whenever you're ready. Whenever you want to, not when you need to. There's no guilt for wishing, needing and hoping for a little time in a paradise that exists if you allow it to. It's realistic for the amount of time you want it to be. Allow your paradise to rejuvenate." He let his words settle onto her and he could feel her eyelashes barely brush against the side of his face.

"Is that why you are here, El? Is this why you stay?"

He let the storm continue it's onslaught knowing it was in no way against them right now. "Maybe you look at that child and know that she can't see the guilt, shame, pain and fear that rules your everyday. Know that she only sees the strength, power and beauty that is you. Her eyes are open wide when she calls for you, when she needs you. No demands, she just wants to experience what you have to give. Innocence never takes, it accepts. It's when we forget that, when we resent being taken from, that we need to take a step back."

She absorbed his words, felt his body as it moved slightly to protect her against the storm. "I believe you knew of me long before tonight. You couldn't know my name or who I was, but you knew me. You believed there had to be somebody out there that understood you, somebody that simply got you. You wanted to believe that even when you found me, but I felt your doubt. Maybe it was my doubt that I felt for I struggled to believe there was anybody that would understand me. I accepted you and I trusted you. I believed you felt the same. You called me friend and I knew the importance of that to you. I knew you long before I met you. I couldn't know your name or who you were, but I knew you." His voice invaded her every being and she had heard enough but found herself silently begging him for more.

"El..."

He wasn't finished and she welcomed the interruption as his voice once again rendered her speechless, helpless. "It surprises me that you find peace, comfort even in a place that was created seemingly just for us. I question how it is that you see what I see, hear what I hear and your needs are often very similar to my own. I found this place not be accident, but by necessity and it's still surprises me that you want to experience just a bit of paradise with me." He took a minute to look into her eyes, the darkness the only thing protecting them from her emotions. "The night noise weakens you, daily demands have accumulated causing you to fight against what is expected of you in favor of what your body and soul so desperately needs. No demands, no stresses, no pressure. Not from me, not here, not tonight."

She lets her body lean into his and she can feel the muscles in his chest flex ever so slightly to absorb the contact. They sit close and watch what they can only hear. There are no time restraints, no deadlines, no curfews, no rules. No harsh words, no hard hands. It was so very easy to block out the world from where they sat, so easy to forget how much they have to be to so many. She wonders as she listens to the sounds of his breathing how he got in. She decided she really didn't need an answer.

The waves seemed to roll in faster, the water making its way to where they were. She thought they should move, but knew they wouldn't. She wondered if he was content in feeling her breathe against him and before long she knew. Her question was answered when she felt his breath, realized his peace and tasted his kiss. She thought they should stop, she knew they wouldn't. She relaxed into his kiss accepting that this was allowed here. They were allowed to share their strength, allowed to experience a passion that she knew would forever tie them to here, to Florida, to their paradise.

She heard his words, all of them. She believed in passion, desired passion. She also knew how passion could cost and how it often did. "You are used to getting back up when life damages your soul, and I suppose so am I. It's so much harder this time and I wonder if I haven't simply run out of time."

"There is a passion for life that is often hidden in the excesses of our day. Passion, the drive to feel, to experience, to love, to hate. We seek a balance in our lives and the person to help us through. How often is it that we do not find what we seek. We all have our escape, a place, a time, a person, who makes us feel. That person is you. I have the place, the beach at night. The pounding surf, beating in time with our hearts. With each beat you let me in-releasing the ugliness of your day, your week, your life. Let me help you experience the passion for life you once had. The passion for love that you have forgotten. The passion for life that now seems to elude you. With each breath you are renewed as our time together continues. Each word, each breath, each touch reminds you of what you want, what you need, what you've missed. You don't remember when passion disappeared from your life, but you welcome its return however short the time may be."

He craved her voice; she always sounded so strong even when she was feeling anything but. He knew she functioned broken so often that her voice accepted her world. Her mind always right where she wanted and needed it to be. She said she loved him, he heard her voice when she said those words. Strong. Love is used when there was no other way to describe. No other way to understand. Love hurts, he's already admitted that to himself. He was sure she was well aware of that fact as well.

He struggled with balance; the balance between what he wanted and what he wanted for her. So often he thought the two to be the same, so often knowing they may not be. He wanted to know why she chose tonight to come to him and he wondered how he knew she was done for good. He wanted to ask her what the future held for them, what the past meant to them. He wanted answers, but right now he wanted her. Just her, just here, just now. He let his hands hold her, touch her, feel her. Her body so strong, her skin so soft. He knew he had no control over this world, this storm, this night. He would never control her despite how her actions seemed to control his every breath now. He would ask her in the morning how long she would stay; if she would stay. Tonight he would simply love her; his partner, soul mate and friend. He would take her pain and give her peace knowing that she would do and planned on doing the same for him.

She had wanted him to come home the last time she was here. This time she simply wanted to take him home and as she moved so that her body was positioned over his he was more than ready to come home with her.

I knew you would come, his voice held a confidence he never really owned.  
>I hoped you would stay, her eyes showed a need she had never really known.<p>

I tried, really I did, but love was always a little too much.  
>I knew your world, just a little too well, I craved your love, your touch.<p>

I left, for I became somebody even I could hate  
>I felt your pain, you shut me out, you made me wait.<p>

I could see your pain, your reality was clear.  
>I saw your life and with it your guilt, shame and fear.<p>

I feel better my love, the breeze is gentle, even kind.  
>I see your smile, I need to look, I hope you don't mind.<p>

I wish you could come with me, feel all that I now feel.  
>I wish that too sometimes, yet my world is still very real.<p>

I am real, to you I will always be  
>I feel your presence always around me.<p>

I am free to go and free to be, please know that I can breathe.  
>I wish you knew how much I wanted the world to give you everything you need.<p>

I hoped you show up for I really wanted to show you an escape.  
>I wanted to see you again, there's no where else I'd be, no other place.<p>

I whisper to close your eyes and trust me with your heart.  
>I do trust you, always have, whether together or apart.<p>

I reach out and can tell you feel me touch your face.  
>I feel all I need, your touch as I escape to your special place.<p>

I will be here whenever you need me to be, whenever your soul may bleed.  
>I thank you, I miss you and I smile because your spirit is freed.<p>

Tonight is ours and there is nowhere else I'd rather be

I love you, I always have. Tonight just come home with me.


End file.
